Even while experiencing yesterday's freakout and bad dreams, I knew it wasn't the present time me experiencing all this drama. This is not to say what was going on for me wasn't important... obviously it was, or I wouldnt have spent the day in such a state of tears and anxiety.
Before I go on, let me digress and explain what I mean (lest the term schizophrenia occur to anyone....). According to many great thinkers, pyschiatrists, and in the cannon of NLP, our lives are often run by our "other selves" - little peices of ourselves that get broken off by trauma and live in their respective age/trauma states in our subconcious mind. These little shades of ourselves make decisions for us, screw us up, and occasionally wreak havoc, trying to get their needs met.
In the course of healing, one tries to be aware of these 'others' - and, whn one is found, engage them, and attempt to integrate them into oneself - to make this piece part of the whole, and bring them into adulthood with the rest of you.
Now, crazy as this sounds, it works, especially in the areas of fear and phobia... and often this works so well that once you do this process, you forget what it was you were ever afraid of in the first place.
Ok - in any case: today I decided to engage that freaked out youngster of yesterday, and comfort her, and talk to her. In doing this, it became utterly clear to me why - even knowing better - I have been being such a nut case these days. I mean, godalmighty, I am 44 years old, and worried about "calling boys"? I worry myself sick that Ale might not call me if I don't call him? I get crazy over the thought of whether he likes me or not?
Now, in some ways, this is kind of sweet, because it is definately this 13 year old me who is so desperately in love with this boy.... and that is a wonderful thing. But the 13 year old me was not in any position to make any healthy of clear decisions about anything. The me I was at 12 and 13 was sexually precocious, intellectually precocious - and had absolutely no boundries, self esteem, or self worth. That little girl had already been abused, abandoned, and raped so many times... and all she wanted was to be loved by those who were hurting her.
So... you reparent yourself. You reach into that 13 year old girl, and you tell her you will love her.... and that you are the adult, and will make the adult decisions, and that you will keep her safe. And you keep engaging her, everytime she comes up. And you try to bring all that wonder into your present time, because that broken child is as vital a part of you as all the things about yourself that you can acknowledge.
It seems that who we are always comes down to our family of origin. My famly of origin was determined by the death of a child... and all the decisions, both concious and unconcious - that flowed from this one event. My eldest brother lost his sister, his best friend, and his mother with that death. My middle brother lost his mother (he was only 2 years old at the time!) and his father with that death. As for me, I was born to fill a hole in my mothers heart... and because I could not do it... I was rejected as "damaged merchandise" at a very young age.
My eldest brother found Barbara, who became his freind and mother. My middle brother found Jesus. Me? I'm just trying to find myself.
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Speaking of families of origin, today I met Alessio's - which I guess makes me the girlfriend of record. I adored his father, found his mother to be really beautiful... I also found this to be a kind of strange family. Except for Alessio's sister and neice, they all seemed oddly unconnected. Or, rather, 'disconnected'. Da Soli.
Now, here is a gift in not really being able to speak well... you watch. You read faces and bodies.
Ale's sister in law was there, as well as his brother (who I didn't speak to, because I couldnt think of anything to say, and because he seemed completely unapproachable). I asked if she was his ex-wife, and no - she was the current wife. I commented that they didn't seem to be together... and he said that this was how his family is. That's how his parents are.
Does this mean if I am his official girlfriend, I get relegated to girl-land, I wonder? That love, for this family, means occasionally sharing the same air? No WONDER he 'doesn't believe in marriage' - because if this is all he knows, then 'marriage' is nothing more than a culturally acceptable state sponsored breeding program. EEK!
Wendy most certainly loves Peter, but I want to be one of the lost boys, not the mother of the lost boys.... I want to fight with swords and chase indians and get dirty... I will never be happy to wait at home tending dinner until the lost boys come home, then reading them their stories and putting them to bed... so they can leave me at home when they go out on their next adventure.
Wendy didn't like it either. When Peter did that to her, she joined Captain Hook, and nearly destroyed Neverland. Then she left, taking the lost boys with her... and Peter got left forever without a true friend.
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