Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Always tease tease tease
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
One day is fine, next day is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know!
This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who’m I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I go?
I am trying my best to stay steady, give things a chance to just be... but, you know? I'm really not happy. I need words. I need lots of words.
Sex is great, kissing is great, being together is great. But I can't deal with all this indecision. I can't deal with not knowing how you feel. "Maybe" you love me? What the fuck is that? You aren't used to saying it? So WHAT? GET used to it. Because, I am worth it, and a whole lot more.
I can't be any better than I am now - I can't be more devoted, I can't be more gentle, I can't be more loving, affectionate, supportive, patient, tolerant, nor kind. You have the very best of me, and if its not enough? Your loss. My loss too... I suppose, but still... You've had the best of me, and I haven't had the best of you... and I am tired of trying to get your attention.
So, baby - I need to start seeing the best of you. I NEED to hear that I am important, that I am treasured, and that I am loved. Because, the little I am getting is not good enough.
I can't make you feel what you don't feel, and I can't give you what you dont want. All I can do is speak for myself.... and I want to be someones girl. I need to feel loved, and wanted, and important. I want phone calls, and presents, and to know that you are thinking about me when you aren't here.
I'm growing resentful, I'm becomming angry... I've been anxious since you told me that this was going to be an important story... and then changed your mind. I KNOW there is an important connection here, I know that this could be very good, for both of us... but so far, I think... its been mostly good for you.
I work hard on making it good for you, do you know that? I think about what will make you happy, I put effort into doing so. And, mostly, I have taken great joy in doing so - but the fact that you are pretty happy in this relationship is no accident. I work hard at being a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good lover. You are second from the top of my priority list... in the meantime - well... you didnt even meet me at the airport after I was last in the states, because it wasnt convenient.
Somewhere along the line, I have allowed myself to become a convenience. My bad.
Love me boy, or let me go. And make up your mind soon, or I'll be making it up for both of us. And it will break my heart. But the truth of the matter is that if I am not feeling loved here, I am going to have to move on.
1 comment:
I love the Clash. They always make me feel better.
And when I'm fiddling with settings in Windows, I hum "Lock the Taskbar, Lock the Taskbar.." to "Rock the Casbah...Rock the Casbah..."
Okay, had to start with a bad joke. Cuz I feel like I'm living in a bad joke. Me and my sister are 6500 miles apart experiencing the same feelings. Hmm...
But enough about me. You're delightful. You're worth it. You're gorgeous, you're talented, you're a good mother, you're a good friend, you're a great...er, um..."companion" (I have that on hearsay...can't say I did that myself, but I know it's true!) and, goddammit, everybody needs to sit up AND TAKE NOTICE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!
There.
You see, I'm *not* a Leo. But I have Big Baby Moon in Leo (FEED ME!!!) and Mars in Leo:
"OH, YES! I WANT THAT!!" HE SAID LOUDLY.
So, I get the whole Leo thing. We male Leo oriented types are so coddled by society...our insecurities are "foibles"...typical "male" self-examination that leads to the discovery of the hero inside.
With women, you're all power-hungry bitches being neurotic.
And that totally fucking sucks. Cuz society sucks and they don't get it. That some girls want to play in the dirt with swords and bandanas and all that Barbie shit is boring.
But that doesn't preclude your need for reassurance, comfort, adoration, (oh, hell why not) WORSHIP and some downright love.
And that's as it should be. The hard part about growing up not spoiled and still having high standards is that you have to convince yourself you deserve what you want. Constantly. I'm getting there, too.
I feel your pain. Sympathizing with the quandry, I'm not going to say "chuck it! Start over!" or purr "Be patient, darling...." This is a hard part of life. You're going to have to make some pretty challenging distinctions before choosing what to do next. You have all the good ground rules and ground work done:
* Your first priority is always Spike
* You will maintain self-respect and integrity while being willing to open yourself to another's needs.
* You are very aware of your past and "past selves" and how they incur on the present AND you strive to be aware of when it creeps in
* You know that this is a "bigger than the both of us" scenario and bring that to the table always
* You take the extra step of knowing that the other person may not know as much as you and you not only foster growth and development, but aid it with love
I think that about covers the basics. Sometimes a quick review before pondering is useful...I hope this helps. I gleaned the above from all your entries. You're a helluva a human being, Shaun. Don't ever short yourself on that.
Somehow, I want to say, "all the answers are in your own little book." (this blog) But that seems so trite. However, I just can't escape my own feeling, after reading all the entries again, that, just like in a well constructed novel, you will know the right thing to do...the lead character will do what does need to happen and I, and she, will be satisfied with the outcome.
Know that my prayers and thoughts are with you. No one should be afraid to ask, kindly and simply, for what they want.
Post a Comment