When is enough

Today I have a heavy feeling of not rightness in my soul. I'm soul tired, I'm lonely, I'm afraid. I fell asleep last night crying, and I woke up this morning crying... and I hate myself for being sad, for whining, for complaining.

I have this deep feeling that there must be something very very wrong with me... because if there weren't something very wrong with me, I wouldnt be alone. How is it that I continually love people who do not love me? And what is wrong with me that someone can be with me.... even for years... and somehow just not love me?

Is it just that my choices are so bad, and I choose people who cannot love me, because this feels familiar? Am I repeating the situation, over and over... trying to get a different result?

This "relationship" that I am in right now should be, could be, so right. But its not, because he doesnt love me. And I am NOT going to try and talk him into it. I did that before, and it ended in tragedy. Now, my relationship with Nick was necessary... it was all about Karma, and we had our baby, and the Karmic dept was paid.

I don\t know what the karmic relationship with Ale is. I have no memory of him from other times, I have no dreams where he appears... but he is one of my soul mates, all the same. He is a perfect playmate, and our souls are hungry for each other. But he is not there for me emotionally. His body is in it, but his heart is not. He doesn't really want me, but doesnt want to lose me.... he 'thinks' maybe he loves me, but its not good enough.

I want out, but I dont know how to end this, because I am hoping that somehow, magically, some fairy will come down and open his heart to me. Staying is making me miserable, leaving would be like a knife in my heart, and I LIKE him.

I want a life partner. I want someone by my side. I want someone whose face lights up when I enter the room, and someone who misses me when I am gone. I want to curl up on the couch, and watch TV in someone's arms, and someone to share my life with. I want to give my heart, with no fear. And to know that my heart will be safe.

I am not getting that here.

He says wait.... just wait. But I don't think his heart will change, and I think he will stay with me as long as I love him, simply because he is lazy, and it is easier to keep me than to get rid of me.

Once upon a time, I could see the future. I knew what came next. Now the future is obscure to me. And I don't know if I am creating failure just through my fear... if my belief that no one will love me causes me to choose people who will not love me, or if my behaviors... based on those fears, simply drives the people I want away.

Somehow I really have come to believe that if I am not PERFECT, I am not worthy of love. I was taught this by my mother (who had a perfect, dead daughter). I tried so hard to be perfect, but it was never enough. I was taught this by Nick, who had a perfect, dead girlfriend.... with whom I was always compared, but didn't have the genetics to compete with. But, oh lord, I tried so hard, so fucking hard, to be perfect. And my marriage ended anyway, becauae I was not whats-her-name.

Now, again, I am trying to be perfect. To always look my best, to never ever be disagreeable, to never cry, or complain, to pressure.... to be the best friend and lover I can.... but its not enough. And it wont be. I'm just too easy. I'm no trouble. I'm such a nice girl, so sweet. No one wants a nice girl.

The thing is, I think - in spite of the occasional toughness I pretend, I really am a genuinely nice girl. And I want someone who brings that out, who treasures it, and who loves me, I want to be "someones" nice girl. I want someone who will think of me as 'his'.

I promised I would wait until after the thesis. The thesis is tomorrow morning.

If he doesnt step up, if it doesnt change, if he doesnt begin to invest in this, I need to walk away. Because I think I deserve more than this. Being alone is bad, but being with someone for a year.... and still always feeling awkward, always feeling lonely... this isnt what I want.

So how do I know when its enough, when to give up, and when to walk away?