I spent yesterday (and most of the weekend) in a state of mourning. I cried a lot, and tried to stay busy. I can't seem to get any work done, because I can't concentrate... so I am doing the best I can.
I feel horrible, and very very sad.
I spent the last couple of days rehearsing a good bye speech, but no matter how elaborate or simple, it all seemed damn stupid. I mean, what is the point? You are supposed to do this out of respet for the other person, out of respect for the relationship etc.... but how much respect is due when what you have been told in essense is:
"I like you, but I don't love you. But I really like having sex with you, so lets keep doing that until I find someone better"
So: Stage 2. Self-loathing. I knew he was in this only for the sex. So, I kept throwing it out there. He NEVER lied to me. He was ALWAYS clear about where he was at. So what the fuck did I hope to accomplish by staying in this, falling in love with someone whose intentions were always temporary - and who was CLEAR about it?
I am so embarrassed, and so ashamed of myself right now. I mean, for fucks sake - "I'll be your bitch, just don't leave me"?
I want to defend myself here. I have a whole lot of "yeah... but... I hoped" and 'But.... it was .... ' but, essentially, none of them are bigger than the voice telling me that I am one stupid bitch.
I can't blame him for this. Yeah, he was confused a bit too. Sometimes he sent out mixed signals, he liked me, cared for me, was always always good to me. But except for one conversation, early early on - he never misled me into thinking he wanted to keep me. Maybe he should have dumped me, but he didn't want to.
The fact of the matter is, I knew - from the first time he said he was uncomfortable that I had a Monkey Boy - that this was dead. And I stayed, and I KNEW I should not. I have been anxious about him, and this relationship since last August. From the FIRST MONTH of this relationship, I have been anxious, and miserable - BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, AND I KNEW IT WOULD END, AND I DECIDED TO LOVE HIM ANYWAY. GODDAMN IT - WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN DOING?????????????????????????????????????
I am a complete and total imbecile. Thats all there is to it.
So, as to the goodbye speech - I'm going to skip it for now. He is not that stupid, he knows that this is all wrong, and that it is hurting me. A conversation right now, while I am feeling so vulnerable will only end with me staying in this, or leaving it in tears. I think I have already sacrificed enough of my dignity - and I do not feel like spilling any more tears in front of him. I would just end up trying to take care of him.... but, you know? He can take care of himself.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Yeah yeah yeah... so maybe I'm a litle dramatic....
I guess that it was bound to happen
Was just a matter of time
Now I've come to my decision
And its a-one of the painful kind
'Cause now it seems that you wanted a martyr
Just a regular girl wouldn't do
But baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
You really gotta hand it to ya
'Cause boy, you really tried
But for ev'ry time that we spent laughin'
There were two times that I cried
And you were tryin' to make me your martyr
And that's the one thing I just couldn't do
'Cause baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
'Cause tables are meant for turnin'
And people are bound to change
And bridges are meant for burnin'
When the people and mem'ries they join aren't the same
Still I hope that you can find another
Who can take what I could not
She'll have to be a super girl
Or maybe a super god
'Cause I never was much of a martyr before
And I ain't 'bout to start nothin' new
And baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
'Cause tables are meant for turnin'
And people are bound to change
And bridges are meant for burnin'
When the people and mem'ries they join aren't the same
But I hope that you can find another
Who can take what I could not
She'll have to be a super girl
Or maybe a super god
'Cause I never was much of a martyr before
And I ain't 'bout to start nothin' new
And baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
Was just a matter of time
Now I've come to my decision
And its a-one of the painful kind
'Cause now it seems that you wanted a martyr
Just a regular girl wouldn't do
But baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
You really gotta hand it to ya
'Cause boy, you really tried
But for ev'ry time that we spent laughin'
There were two times that I cried
And you were tryin' to make me your martyr
And that's the one thing I just couldn't do
'Cause baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
'Cause tables are meant for turnin'
And people are bound to change
And bridges are meant for burnin'
When the people and mem'ries they join aren't the same
Still I hope that you can find another
Who can take what I could not
She'll have to be a super girl
Or maybe a super god
'Cause I never was much of a martyr before
And I ain't 'bout to start nothin' new
And baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
'Cause tables are meant for turnin'
And people are bound to change
And bridges are meant for burnin'
When the people and mem'ries they join aren't the same
But I hope that you can find another
Who can take what I could not
She'll have to be a super girl
Or maybe a super god
'Cause I never was much of a martyr before
And I ain't 'bout to start nothin' new
And baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
Sunday, July 29, 2007
ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
I wish I had a sense of humor left but I am really feeling sorry for myself right now.
My deepest nuerotic self is screaming her fears in my ears: ANOTHER failed relationship. Another man who can't love you, because you are so defective. You're OLD. You're UGLY. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. You BLEW it. You FUCKED UP. Everything you did was WRONG. You WASTED your time.
I wonder if other people have these fears, and just don't admit it, or if I am really alone in beling so full of self hatred.
The better part of myself knows that none of this is really true, but fear is so much louder than logic and good sense. I suspect that these are everyone's deepest and most despairing fears - but that usually, people just pretend not to have them.
In any case, I hurt, because I want to hold onto false hopes. I have held onto them for a year now, because strangely enough, I think when you find someone you really like, who you enjoy, and who is a perfect sexual partner - you should try and make it work. Perfect sexual partners are rare.
He is attractive, gallant, and I like him. But - he doesnt read books, he doesnt think deeply, he is kind of a fake buddist because he doesnt really have the learning to back it up. He is shallow. He was never really into me, and the fact that I was really into him cost me his respect - and he never ever respected me. He never SAW me.
I am responsible for this whole thing. I know that. I must take 100 percent responsibility for my life. My problem is that I have a hard time seperating responsible from "wrong" and "guilt" and "shame". I allowed him to not respect me, I allowed this relationship to continue, even though I knew he wasnt that into me. I knew that my hopes were futile, and yet I continued this anyway. I think that this is the part that hurts the most.
I have to find the time to do our break up conversation, and to get my closure on this. I wish that it weren't happening, I wish Nick wasnt going to be here right now, I wish I weren't such a stupid girl.
And I wish I werent feeling so sorry for myself.
My deepest nuerotic self is screaming her fears in my ears: ANOTHER failed relationship. Another man who can't love you, because you are so defective. You're OLD. You're UGLY. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. You BLEW it. You FUCKED UP. Everything you did was WRONG. You WASTED your time.
I wonder if other people have these fears, and just don't admit it, or if I am really alone in beling so full of self hatred.
The better part of myself knows that none of this is really true, but fear is so much louder than logic and good sense. I suspect that these are everyone's deepest and most despairing fears - but that usually, people just pretend not to have them.
In any case, I hurt, because I want to hold onto false hopes. I have held onto them for a year now, because strangely enough, I think when you find someone you really like, who you enjoy, and who is a perfect sexual partner - you should try and make it work. Perfect sexual partners are rare.
He is attractive, gallant, and I like him. But - he doesnt read books, he doesnt think deeply, he is kind of a fake buddist because he doesnt really have the learning to back it up. He is shallow. He was never really into me, and the fact that I was really into him cost me his respect - and he never ever respected me. He never SAW me.
I am responsible for this whole thing. I know that. I must take 100 percent responsibility for my life. My problem is that I have a hard time seperating responsible from "wrong" and "guilt" and "shame". I allowed him to not respect me, I allowed this relationship to continue, even though I knew he wasnt that into me. I knew that my hopes were futile, and yet I continued this anyway. I think that this is the part that hurts the most.
I have to find the time to do our break up conversation, and to get my closure on this. I wish that it weren't happening, I wish Nick wasnt going to be here right now, I wish I weren't such a stupid girl.
And I wish I werent feeling so sorry for myself.
Friday, July 27, 2007
When you have a bad taste in your mouth
You need to spit it out, fast, before it poisons you.
Yesterday, I had a really good time on my birthday. I went to Assisi with Ale, and then we went to Cortona for dinner and had a really great bottle of wine, and a long talk.... where we discussed our relationship and we were pretty radically honest, and we dicussed our mutual 'defects' - and Ale told me the things that really bother him about me.
1.) I am wasteful - and leave lights on.
2.) He thinks I may be a bit unstable, though he has never seen it.
3.) He wishes I were 25 instead of 45.
Other than that, he loves my body, he likes my mind, he likes making love with me.
Now, I am not entirely sure... but what I think what he just said is this: You are a really great piece of ass, and I really want to continuing using you as such until you get really old and ugly, which will probably be in a matter of moments.
It feels good to be held in such high regard.
I think its time to spit him out. I think perhaps he should now have the opportunity to find a 25 year old with my mind attached. I wish him luck with that.
Yesterday, I had a really good time on my birthday. I went to Assisi with Ale, and then we went to Cortona for dinner and had a really great bottle of wine, and a long talk.... where we discussed our relationship and we were pretty radically honest, and we dicussed our mutual 'defects' - and Ale told me the things that really bother him about me.
1.) I am wasteful - and leave lights on.
2.) He thinks I may be a bit unstable, though he has never seen it.
3.) He wishes I were 25 instead of 45.
Other than that, he loves my body, he likes my mind, he likes making love with me.
Now, I am not entirely sure... but what I think what he just said is this: You are a really great piece of ass, and I really want to continuing using you as such until you get really old and ugly, which will probably be in a matter of moments.
It feels good to be held in such high regard.
I think its time to spit him out. I think perhaps he should now have the opportunity to find a 25 year old with my mind attached. I wish him luck with that.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The beginning of the end
I must give Ale credit... he always starts the relationship talks, and is usually honest,
He asked what I thought our future was, because he still didn't see one. He would love it to be causal forever.... and I was clear that I don't know what the future is, and that I would be happy if we could be together in the present.
It's not you babe....
Bottom line, I am not the one he wants to be with. His feelings for me are not strong, and he doesn't love me. He has feelings of love for me, now and again.... but I'm not "it".
Part of this is a kind of immature notion of love - the belief that we have that love is a static state bestowed by the magic fairies of love, rather than a living breathing thing of its own - that you nourish and nurture. This immature notion of love is why most people fail at love.... because Venus, being the perverse goddess she is, withdraws - and most people cannot sustain their love once the magic fairies depart.
Ale, along with most people, do not understand; All lovers have mixed feelings. Some days you love, some days you don't, some days you just hate each other. And the difference between a sustainable love and one that is driven by hormones is simply "intention".
My intention is to love, to the best of my ability someone who is dear to me. His intention is to stay while the sex is good. And, knowing this is wrong, he is withdrawing further, and this is no longer sustainable.
I am so sad. When he and I are together, and it is good - I am so much a better person. He has, and this relationship has, the capacity to bring me such joy.
Being a witch sucks, because you can always see the possible futures - and in one possible future, we bring each other joy and love all the days of our life.... but most of the possible futures take us to where we are headed now.... regretfully, to an end.
The suckiest thing about being able to see the possible futures is this: you have no real way, especially in matters of love, to effect the outcome by yourself. When there are 2 people, both need to be in accord, and he doesn't know what he wants.
He is sad, and confused, and is having internal struggles in his life, and in his relationship with me. The timing couldnt be worse, and if tomorrow were not my birthday, I would put us both out of our misery now.
But, I don't want to spend tomorrow alone, and I do not wish to face Nick alone. But - this is the problem with our whole relationship; most of the time, he is just a body. I am alone, even when we are together.
Here is the agreement we have come to; For the next few weeks we will stay together. We will love each other as best we can. If nothing changes, we part.
Then, I can be alone by myself - which is better, I suppose, than feeling alone when you are with someone.
He asked what I thought our future was, because he still didn't see one. He would love it to be causal forever.... and I was clear that I don't know what the future is, and that I would be happy if we could be together in the present.
It's not you babe....
Bottom line, I am not the one he wants to be with. His feelings for me are not strong, and he doesn't love me. He has feelings of love for me, now and again.... but I'm not "it".
Part of this is a kind of immature notion of love - the belief that we have that love is a static state bestowed by the magic fairies of love, rather than a living breathing thing of its own - that you nourish and nurture. This immature notion of love is why most people fail at love.... because Venus, being the perverse goddess she is, withdraws - and most people cannot sustain their love once the magic fairies depart.
Ale, along with most people, do not understand; All lovers have mixed feelings. Some days you love, some days you don't, some days you just hate each other. And the difference between a sustainable love and one that is driven by hormones is simply "intention".
My intention is to love, to the best of my ability someone who is dear to me. His intention is to stay while the sex is good. And, knowing this is wrong, he is withdrawing further, and this is no longer sustainable.
I am so sad. When he and I are together, and it is good - I am so much a better person. He has, and this relationship has, the capacity to bring me such joy.
Being a witch sucks, because you can always see the possible futures - and in one possible future, we bring each other joy and love all the days of our life.... but most of the possible futures take us to where we are headed now.... regretfully, to an end.
The suckiest thing about being able to see the possible futures is this: you have no real way, especially in matters of love, to effect the outcome by yourself. When there are 2 people, both need to be in accord, and he doesn't know what he wants.
He is sad, and confused, and is having internal struggles in his life, and in his relationship with me. The timing couldnt be worse, and if tomorrow were not my birthday, I would put us both out of our misery now.
But, I don't want to spend tomorrow alone, and I do not wish to face Nick alone. But - this is the problem with our whole relationship; most of the time, he is just a body. I am alone, even when we are together.
Here is the agreement we have come to; For the next few weeks we will stay together. We will love each other as best we can. If nothing changes, we part.
Then, I can be alone by myself - which is better, I suppose, than feeling alone when you are with someone.
Monday, July 23, 2007
change of heart
When you commit to what you are getting, the effect is interesting. Because, you suddenly SEE what you are getting. You see it without the layers of what might be, and it is both enlightening and sobering.
I'm falling out of love.
Honestly, thats not what I really hoped for. My hopes involved someone as interested in having a real, deep, profound relationship with someone who was just as interested.
Thats not what I am getting, and now that I have stripped away what could be - and am looking at what is, it has lost its shine. I'm really sad about it, but I don't want love to be a one way street.
So, I've taken my love off the table. My beloved doesn't know if he wants my love, and that isn't good enough.
Dating him is great - he's fun. Sleeping with him is spectacular... our spirits dance like dolphins. Speaking with him is nice, because he holds very different points of view, but is open.
But - I cannot love him enough for two... one person being fed while the other goes hungry isn't right, and no amount of expensive dinners and nice companionship can make up for what isn't there.
It's a shame. I want to love him. But I don't want to love alone.
I'm falling out of love.
Honestly, thats not what I really hoped for. My hopes involved someone as interested in having a real, deep, profound relationship with someone who was just as interested.
Thats not what I am getting, and now that I have stripped away what could be - and am looking at what is, it has lost its shine. I'm really sad about it, but I don't want love to be a one way street.
So, I've taken my love off the table. My beloved doesn't know if he wants my love, and that isn't good enough.
Dating him is great - he's fun. Sleeping with him is spectacular... our spirits dance like dolphins. Speaking with him is nice, because he holds very different points of view, but is open.
But - I cannot love him enough for two... one person being fed while the other goes hungry isn't right, and no amount of expensive dinners and nice companionship can make up for what isn't there.
It's a shame. I want to love him. But I don't want to love alone.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Commitment
All of us, at all times and in every way, are getting exactly what we’re committed to getting.
So, I got the above quote off of a new age website, and I don't much care for new age websites.... but, ""The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves..."
I want someone to do this, to feel that, and to behave thusly.... but, if I am a responsible human, I must take responsibility for exactly what I am recieving. I am so caught up in feeling right, feeling secure in this relationship... that I am never where I am, but always somewhere else.All of us, at all times and in every way, are getting exactly what we’re committed to getting.
So, I am commited to recieving what I am getting. If this were not so, I would be getting something else.
Perhaps part of the problem is that I am playing an endgame here. I am trying to commit to an outcome, rather than a process, and Ale - well - he has clearly said that he is commited to "the process". "We stay together well... we should get to know each other better"
No matter how much I want to hear "Ti Amo" - I should probably stop discounting Ale's commitment to me. Clearly, I am important to him. Not as important, perhaps, as I would like to be, but not someone he takes lightly.
So - perhaps here, if I quell my ever present anxiety, I ought to examine what exactly I AM recieving.
1.) The most amazing, connected, wonderful, astonishing sex I have ever had in my life -
2.) Lots of wonderful meals out, lovely dinners, concerts, plays, motorcycle rides
3.) Did I mention really hot sex?
4.) Great conversations about esoteric things with someone whose life experience has been completely different than mine.
5.) Lots of fun, especially when I am relaxed enough to have fun!
6.) A man who doesnt mind helping me shop for clothes
7.) A lot of physical contact, touching, stroking, kissing, hand holding.
8.) A man who is unfailingly a gentleman. He holds doors open, gives me his jacket if I am cold, lets me wear the good motorcycle helmet, always pays for EVERYTHING (and mostly won't let me pay!)
9.) 2 or 3 nights a week of undivided attention.
10.) A willingness to be in this process with me. And, a willingness to TALK about our relationship.
11.) Did I mention the multiple orgasm factor?
Yes. I will want more in the future. Yes, I AM looking for a life partner. But, if I were commited to getting that, right now, I suppose that this is what I would be getting. Therefore... if this is to be an honest commitment - this is what I need to say right now...
"I am committed to NOT having a life partner right now."
"I am committed to being single, and in a dating relationship with Alessio."
ok - and NOW the hard one.... the one I think I want to change....
"I am committed to being uncertain that I am lovable. I am commited to the idea that no one will ever REALLY love me."
Now - this one I stick with, because somewhere along the line, I decided that this is so. (thanks, mom) - and this is a commitment to myself that I need to change. Alessio didn't do this to me. Nick did, I suppose, and my Mom did, I suppose. But when we are an adult, we put away childish things. I was NEVER not lovable, I was born worthy of love, and hope, and optimism.
Furthermore, my commitment that no one will be able to really love me puts a big block around my heart. Because, seriously - words or no words, I will not be able to hear, see, feel, or believe that I am loved. Its a good way to stay a little safe, and a really good way to not ever feel loved.
So, today... I commit to myself. I commit to changing this unconcious commitment that I am not lovable, and to embracing the love that Ale obviously shows me. I commit to being brave, and knowing - whether we stay or part, that my intrinsic lovliness is god given, and not something that can be bestowed or withheld, by any other person than myself.
I feel better already.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Always tease tease tease
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
One day is fine, next day is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know!
This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who’m I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I go?
I am trying my best to stay steady, give things a chance to just be... but, you know? I'm really not happy. I need words. I need lots of words.
Sex is great, kissing is great, being together is great. But I can't deal with all this indecision. I can't deal with not knowing how you feel. "Maybe" you love me? What the fuck is that? You aren't used to saying it? So WHAT? GET used to it. Because, I am worth it, and a whole lot more.
I can't be any better than I am now - I can't be more devoted, I can't be more gentle, I can't be more loving, affectionate, supportive, patient, tolerant, nor kind. You have the very best of me, and if its not enough? Your loss. My loss too... I suppose, but still... You've had the best of me, and I haven't had the best of you... and I am tired of trying to get your attention.
So, baby - I need to start seeing the best of you. I NEED to hear that I am important, that I am treasured, and that I am loved. Because, the little I am getting is not good enough.
I can't make you feel what you don't feel, and I can't give you what you dont want. All I can do is speak for myself.... and I want to be someones girl. I need to feel loved, and wanted, and important. I want phone calls, and presents, and to know that you are thinking about me when you aren't here.
I'm growing resentful, I'm becomming angry... I've been anxious since you told me that this was going to be an important story... and then changed your mind. I KNOW there is an important connection here, I know that this could be very good, for both of us... but so far, I think... its been mostly good for you.
I work hard on making it good for you, do you know that? I think about what will make you happy, I put effort into doing so. And, mostly, I have taken great joy in doing so - but the fact that you are pretty happy in this relationship is no accident. I work hard at being a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good lover. You are second from the top of my priority list... in the meantime - well... you didnt even meet me at the airport after I was last in the states, because it wasnt convenient.
Somewhere along the line, I have allowed myself to become a convenience. My bad.
Love me boy, or let me go. And make up your mind soon, or I'll be making it up for both of us. And it will break my heart. But the truth of the matter is that if I am not feeling loved here, I am going to have to move on.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The soul wants....
I have been thinking about yesterday's quote.
"The soul wants what the soul wants, and there is nothing you can do about it"
I am troubled by this. I feel unsettled. My soul is stupid, I think.
If this is love, why does it hurt?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
From a website
Love is crazy because the souls want what they want and you don't have much to say about it.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Wendy loves Peter
Even while experiencing yesterday's freakout and bad dreams, I knew it wasn't the present time me experiencing all this drama. This is not to say what was going on for me wasn't important... obviously it was, or I wouldnt have spent the day in such a state of tears and anxiety.
Before I go on, let me digress and explain what I mean (lest the term schizophrenia occur to anyone....). According to many great thinkers, pyschiatrists, and in the cannon of NLP, our lives are often run by our "other selves" - little peices of ourselves that get broken off by trauma and live in their respective age/trauma states in our subconcious mind. These little shades of ourselves make decisions for us, screw us up, and occasionally wreak havoc, trying to get their needs met.
In the course of healing, one tries to be aware of these 'others' - and, whn one is found, engage them, and attempt to integrate them into oneself - to make this piece part of the whole, and bring them into adulthood with the rest of you.
Now, crazy as this sounds, it works, especially in the areas of fear and phobia... and often this works so well that once you do this process, you forget what it was you were ever afraid of in the first place.
Ok - in any case: today I decided to engage that freaked out youngster of yesterday, and comfort her, and talk to her. In doing this, it became utterly clear to me why - even knowing better - I have been being such a nut case these days. I mean, godalmighty, I am 44 years old, and worried about "calling boys"? I worry myself sick that Ale might not call me if I don't call him? I get crazy over the thought of whether he likes me or not?
Now, in some ways, this is kind of sweet, because it is definately this 13 year old me who is so desperately in love with this boy.... and that is a wonderful thing. But the 13 year old me was not in any position to make any healthy of clear decisions about anything. The me I was at 12 and 13 was sexually precocious, intellectually precocious - and had absolutely no boundries, self esteem, or self worth. That little girl had already been abused, abandoned, and raped so many times... and all she wanted was to be loved by those who were hurting her.
So... you reparent yourself. You reach into that 13 year old girl, and you tell her you will love her.... and that you are the adult, and will make the adult decisions, and that you will keep her safe. And you keep engaging her, everytime she comes up. And you try to bring all that wonder into your present time, because that broken child is as vital a part of you as all the things about yourself that you can acknowledge.
It seems that who we are always comes down to our family of origin. My famly of origin was determined by the death of a child... and all the decisions, both concious and unconcious - that flowed from this one event. My eldest brother lost his sister, his best friend, and his mother with that death. My middle brother lost his mother (he was only 2 years old at the time!) and his father with that death. As for me, I was born to fill a hole in my mothers heart... and because I could not do it... I was rejected as "damaged merchandise" at a very young age.
My eldest brother found Barbara, who became his freind and mother. My middle brother found Jesus. Me? I'm just trying to find myself.
_________________________________________
Speaking of families of origin, today I met Alessio's - which I guess makes me the girlfriend of record. I adored his father, found his mother to be really beautiful... I also found this to be a kind of strange family. Except for Alessio's sister and neice, they all seemed oddly unconnected. Or, rather, 'disconnected'. Da Soli.
Now, here is a gift in not really being able to speak well... you watch. You read faces and bodies.
Ale's sister in law was there, as well as his brother (who I didn't speak to, because I couldnt think of anything to say, and because he seemed completely unapproachable). I asked if she was his ex-wife, and no - she was the current wife. I commented that they didn't seem to be together... and he said that this was how his family is. That's how his parents are.
Does this mean if I am his official girlfriend, I get relegated to girl-land, I wonder? That love, for this family, means occasionally sharing the same air? No WONDER he 'doesn't believe in marriage' - because if this is all he knows, then 'marriage' is nothing more than a culturally acceptable state sponsored breeding program. EEK!
Wendy most certainly loves Peter, but I want to be one of the lost boys, not the mother of the lost boys.... I want to fight with swords and chase indians and get dirty... I will never be happy to wait at home tending dinner until the lost boys come home, then reading them their stories and putting them to bed... so they can leave me at home when they go out on their next adventure.
Wendy didn't like it either. When Peter did that to her, she joined Captain Hook, and nearly destroyed Neverland. Then she left, taking the lost boys with her... and Peter got left forever without a true friend.
Before I go on, let me digress and explain what I mean (lest the term schizophrenia occur to anyone....). According to many great thinkers, pyschiatrists, and in the cannon of NLP, our lives are often run by our "other selves" - little peices of ourselves that get broken off by trauma and live in their respective age/trauma states in our subconcious mind. These little shades of ourselves make decisions for us, screw us up, and occasionally wreak havoc, trying to get their needs met.
In the course of healing, one tries to be aware of these 'others' - and, whn one is found, engage them, and attempt to integrate them into oneself - to make this piece part of the whole, and bring them into adulthood with the rest of you.
Now, crazy as this sounds, it works, especially in the areas of fear and phobia... and often this works so well that once you do this process, you forget what it was you were ever afraid of in the first place.
Ok - in any case: today I decided to engage that freaked out youngster of yesterday, and comfort her, and talk to her. In doing this, it became utterly clear to me why - even knowing better - I have been being such a nut case these days. I mean, godalmighty, I am 44 years old, and worried about "calling boys"? I worry myself sick that Ale might not call me if I don't call him? I get crazy over the thought of whether he likes me or not?
Now, in some ways, this is kind of sweet, because it is definately this 13 year old me who is so desperately in love with this boy.... and that is a wonderful thing. But the 13 year old me was not in any position to make any healthy of clear decisions about anything. The me I was at 12 and 13 was sexually precocious, intellectually precocious - and had absolutely no boundries, self esteem, or self worth. That little girl had already been abused, abandoned, and raped so many times... and all she wanted was to be loved by those who were hurting her.
So... you reparent yourself. You reach into that 13 year old girl, and you tell her you will love her.... and that you are the adult, and will make the adult decisions, and that you will keep her safe. And you keep engaging her, everytime she comes up. And you try to bring all that wonder into your present time, because that broken child is as vital a part of you as all the things about yourself that you can acknowledge.
It seems that who we are always comes down to our family of origin. My famly of origin was determined by the death of a child... and all the decisions, both concious and unconcious - that flowed from this one event. My eldest brother lost his sister, his best friend, and his mother with that death. My middle brother lost his mother (he was only 2 years old at the time!) and his father with that death. As for me, I was born to fill a hole in my mothers heart... and because I could not do it... I was rejected as "damaged merchandise" at a very young age.
My eldest brother found Barbara, who became his freind and mother. My middle brother found Jesus. Me? I'm just trying to find myself.
_________________________________________
Speaking of families of origin, today I met Alessio's - which I guess makes me the girlfriend of record. I adored his father, found his mother to be really beautiful... I also found this to be a kind of strange family. Except for Alessio's sister and neice, they all seemed oddly unconnected. Or, rather, 'disconnected'. Da Soli.
Now, here is a gift in not really being able to speak well... you watch. You read faces and bodies.
Ale's sister in law was there, as well as his brother (who I didn't speak to, because I couldnt think of anything to say, and because he seemed completely unapproachable). I asked if she was his ex-wife, and no - she was the current wife. I commented that they didn't seem to be together... and he said that this was how his family is. That's how his parents are.
Does this mean if I am his official girlfriend, I get relegated to girl-land, I wonder? That love, for this family, means occasionally sharing the same air? No WONDER he 'doesn't believe in marriage' - because if this is all he knows, then 'marriage' is nothing more than a culturally acceptable state sponsored breeding program. EEK!
Wendy most certainly loves Peter, but I want to be one of the lost boys, not the mother of the lost boys.... I want to fight with swords and chase indians and get dirty... I will never be happy to wait at home tending dinner until the lost boys come home, then reading them their stories and putting them to bed... so they can leave me at home when they go out on their next adventure.
Wendy didn't like it either. When Peter did that to her, she joined Captain Hook, and nearly destroyed Neverland. Then she left, taking the lost boys with her... and Peter got left forever without a true friend.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
When is enough
Today I have a heavy feeling of not rightness in my soul. I'm soul tired, I'm lonely, I'm afraid. I fell asleep last night crying, and I woke up this morning crying... and I hate myself for being sad, for whining, for complaining.
I have this deep feeling that there must be something very very wrong with me... because if there weren't something very wrong with me, I wouldnt be alone. How is it that I continually love people who do not love me? And what is wrong with me that someone can be with me.... even for years... and somehow just not love me?
Is it just that my choices are so bad, and I choose people who cannot love me, because this feels familiar? Am I repeating the situation, over and over... trying to get a different result?
This "relationship" that I am in right now should be, could be, so right. But its not, because he doesnt love me. And I am NOT going to try and talk him into it. I did that before, and it ended in tragedy. Now, my relationship with Nick was necessary... it was all about Karma, and we had our baby, and the Karmic dept was paid.
I don\t know what the karmic relationship with Ale is. I have no memory of him from other times, I have no dreams where he appears... but he is one of my soul mates, all the same. He is a perfect playmate, and our souls are hungry for each other. But he is not there for me emotionally. His body is in it, but his heart is not. He doesn't really want me, but doesnt want to lose me.... he 'thinks' maybe he loves me, but its not good enough.
I want out, but I dont know how to end this, because I am hoping that somehow, magically, some fairy will come down and open his heart to me. Staying is making me miserable, leaving would be like a knife in my heart, and I LIKE him.
I want a life partner. I want someone by my side. I want someone whose face lights up when I enter the room, and someone who misses me when I am gone. I want to curl up on the couch, and watch TV in someone's arms, and someone to share my life with. I want to give my heart, with no fear. And to know that my heart will be safe.
I am not getting that here.
He says wait.... just wait. But I don't think his heart will change, and I think he will stay with me as long as I love him, simply because he is lazy, and it is easier to keep me than to get rid of me.
Once upon a time, I could see the future. I knew what came next. Now the future is obscure to me. And I don't know if I am creating failure just through my fear... if my belief that no one will love me causes me to choose people who will not love me, or if my behaviors... based on those fears, simply drives the people I want away.
Somehow I really have come to believe that if I am not PERFECT, I am not worthy of love. I was taught this by my mother (who had a perfect, dead daughter). I tried so hard to be perfect, but it was never enough. I was taught this by Nick, who had a perfect, dead girlfriend.... with whom I was always compared, but didn't have the genetics to compete with. But, oh lord, I tried so hard, so fucking hard, to be perfect. And my marriage ended anyway, becauae I was not whats-her-name.
Now, again, I am trying to be perfect. To always look my best, to never ever be disagreeable, to never cry, or complain, to pressure.... to be the best friend and lover I can.... but its not enough. And it wont be. I'm just too easy. I'm no trouble. I'm such a nice girl, so sweet. No one wants a nice girl.
The thing is, I think - in spite of the occasional toughness I pretend, I really am a genuinely nice girl. And I want someone who brings that out, who treasures it, and who loves me, I want to be "someones" nice girl. I want someone who will think of me as 'his'.
I promised I would wait until after the thesis. The thesis is tomorrow morning.
If he doesnt step up, if it doesnt change, if he doesnt begin to invest in this, I need to walk away. Because I think I deserve more than this. Being alone is bad, but being with someone for a year.... and still always feeling awkward, always feeling lonely... this isnt what I want.
So how do I know when its enough, when to give up, and when to walk away?
I have this deep feeling that there must be something very very wrong with me... because if there weren't something very wrong with me, I wouldnt be alone. How is it that I continually love people who do not love me? And what is wrong with me that someone can be with me.... even for years... and somehow just not love me?
Is it just that my choices are so bad, and I choose people who cannot love me, because this feels familiar? Am I repeating the situation, over and over... trying to get a different result?
This "relationship" that I am in right now should be, could be, so right. But its not, because he doesnt love me. And I am NOT going to try and talk him into it. I did that before, and it ended in tragedy. Now, my relationship with Nick was necessary... it was all about Karma, and we had our baby, and the Karmic dept was paid.
I don\t know what the karmic relationship with Ale is. I have no memory of him from other times, I have no dreams where he appears... but he is one of my soul mates, all the same. He is a perfect playmate, and our souls are hungry for each other. But he is not there for me emotionally. His body is in it, but his heart is not. He doesn't really want me, but doesnt want to lose me.... he 'thinks' maybe he loves me, but its not good enough.
I want out, but I dont know how to end this, because I am hoping that somehow, magically, some fairy will come down and open his heart to me. Staying is making me miserable, leaving would be like a knife in my heart, and I LIKE him.
I want a life partner. I want someone by my side. I want someone whose face lights up when I enter the room, and someone who misses me when I am gone. I want to curl up on the couch, and watch TV in someone's arms, and someone to share my life with. I want to give my heart, with no fear. And to know that my heart will be safe.
I am not getting that here.
He says wait.... just wait. But I don't think his heart will change, and I think he will stay with me as long as I love him, simply because he is lazy, and it is easier to keep me than to get rid of me.
Once upon a time, I could see the future. I knew what came next. Now the future is obscure to me. And I don't know if I am creating failure just through my fear... if my belief that no one will love me causes me to choose people who will not love me, or if my behaviors... based on those fears, simply drives the people I want away.
Somehow I really have come to believe that if I am not PERFECT, I am not worthy of love. I was taught this by my mother (who had a perfect, dead daughter). I tried so hard to be perfect, but it was never enough. I was taught this by Nick, who had a perfect, dead girlfriend.... with whom I was always compared, but didn't have the genetics to compete with. But, oh lord, I tried so hard, so fucking hard, to be perfect. And my marriage ended anyway, becauae I was not whats-her-name.
Now, again, I am trying to be perfect. To always look my best, to never ever be disagreeable, to never cry, or complain, to pressure.... to be the best friend and lover I can.... but its not enough. And it wont be. I'm just too easy. I'm no trouble. I'm such a nice girl, so sweet. No one wants a nice girl.
The thing is, I think - in spite of the occasional toughness I pretend, I really am a genuinely nice girl. And I want someone who brings that out, who treasures it, and who loves me, I want to be "someones" nice girl. I want someone who will think of me as 'his'.
I promised I would wait until after the thesis. The thesis is tomorrow morning.
If he doesnt step up, if it doesnt change, if he doesnt begin to invest in this, I need to walk away. Because I think I deserve more than this. Being alone is bad, but being with someone for a year.... and still always feeling awkward, always feeling lonely... this isnt what I want.
So how do I know when its enough, when to give up, and when to walk away?