Big Girls Don't Cry

Give me a crisis. I like emergencies. When something is really wrong, I am the coolest cat around. Focused, intent, calm. I thrive in extraordinary circumstances. I NEVER panic, I never get hysterical, and I pretty much always know what to do.

The "hassles of daily life", however, well... I don't do so well with those. Laundry stresses me out - and balancing a checkbook? Feggitaboutit.

Now, of course, the why of this is obvious... I grew up in a war zone. I'm good at it. But - 25 years now and counting, I still do not know what the appropriate emotional response to life's normal stressors are. I try and ask others "what do 'normal' people do in this situation" - but, they really don't even comprehend my question. I know it comes off as whining, this search for how I am actually supposed to be and feel in 'normal' situations, but its not whining. I REALLY don't know.

My friends, particularly my single mother friends, view me as a paragon of strength. "You're so strong" blah blah blah. I've been hearing some variation on this my whole life.

NO I am not. I simply don't know how to show my emotions, until the internal pressure reaches a boiling point .... at which point I simply become morose and depressed. Being 'emotional' is bad. Its feminine. Its unstable. And honestly, I don't actually know how to be emotional.

Case in point; someone broke a date with me. I was really upset. REALLY upset. Feeling kind of fragile, and believing I had shared that fragility, I was over the top.... or so I thought. So - I apologized for being so upset and being a ball buster. To which he said "Huh?" (Okay - I might be feeling morose right now... but that's really kind of funny.)

When the big Ms. A decided to attack me in public, over how I made her "feel" - all I could do is sit and listen while she hurt me. I was unable to defend myself, because I was trying to be rational with someone who was being completely irrational. I jumped through hoops in my head to stay cool and try and logically see what was wrong.... the appropriate response was to fight back. But when faced with that sort of irrational rage, I simply didn't know how.

I can be very passionate when it comes to politics, ideas, intellectual pursuits. When it comes to things like that... I can fight, argue, defend myself - using facts, rationality, intellect. But when it comes to my emotional life, feelings, interpersonal communications - things where facts and logic don't apply, I am simply retarded.

I wonder what it would feel like to be outraged, and EXPRESS it clearly. I wonder how my world would change if - just every now and then - I could bust someones balls, attack someone just because they were being horrid to me, feel unfettered joy and show it.... throw an irrational temper tantrum.... or cry, just because I am sad?

How do men achieve this, limited as they are to only being allowed to express anger? Of course, being female - I am forbidden this as well. So, somehow I have managed to limit not only the allowable range of female emotions (lest I appear unstable), but I am culturally cut off from my anger too.

Now - of course I FEEL these things, and I feel them deeply. I feel love, and hope, and joy, anger, rage, and despair. But I don't show it. (And, honestly, I try and avoid joy.... because that is something that can be taken away....)

So - when I feel real fear I call it "nervous". When I am deeply miserable - I am "unsettled" or "sad". When I am outraged, I show concern and am usually apologetic about it. Anger and outrage are the worst for me, because those are dangerous, and they can get you hurt.

So, when I cry, I spill out my words. But only here. Well crafted and well thought out as they are... each word I type today is one misplaced tear.

And each tear makes me feel ashamed. Because Big Girls Don't Cry.