When did this all get so hard? How is it that something so primary and joyful as love is so fucking difficult? What happens between first love, when you wake up every morning and your beloved makes your entire world a better place - to now, when the thought of loving someone makes your stomach hurt and makes you want to chuck the whole thing and become a crazy cat lady instead?
And if its this hard.... can it possibly actually be love? Isnt the whole love thing supposed to be like a hole you fall into? Of course, by the time one reaches a certain age, one has experience of just falling into that hole a few times, and finding that the hole is not just a hole, but a trap - and getting back out of it is way harder than falling in.
So, you stand over the hole, weighing the pros and cons - deciding whether or not its OK to jump - all the while, popular culture is telling you that if it IS love, you'd already be in that hole without thinking twice.
Am I even making any sense here? Maybe some context would help.
I think I love someone. He thinks he loves me. If I knew he loved me, I would stop thinking about it (I think).... but we are both of an age where we both have some experience. And both of us are alike in this.... we don't want any repeats of past failures.
I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me. Been there. Done that. Yet, here I go again, loving someone who isnt sure he loves me. And I gotta ask myself.... do I love him (or think I do) just because he isn't sure? Am I, yet again, trying to fix the things that hurt me in the past? Is there a hurt little kid inside, reaching out for something out of reach, trying to make an emotionally unavailable person finally love me? Am I trying to force something here to counter some deep internal fear that I am unlovable and undeserving of real committed love?
I profess to him, in my oh-so-wise ways, that this releationship is REALLY something new and different. Is this the truth? or is this just me repeating the mistakes of the past hoping for a new and different outcome?
Oh lord, I am pathetic. God, why did you have to go and give me a female brain? Is this overthinking your punishment because Eve decided to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? Isnt this just a little bit unfair?
Now.... lets go back to the world of observable reality, instead of all the tapes and monologues that play inside my febrile female mind:
Ale and I had this wonderful time in New York. We really like each other. Its fun to be together. We respect each other. We are careful of each other. Both of us are behaving with integrity and honesty - I am really proud of how we are behaving. This is a good man, and this is a good relationship.
Last night was the first time I had seen him since the trip. He was strange and distant. Something seemed "off". We made love, and though the physicality was as wondrous as always, it was distant.
I asked - "hey what's up?" To which he replied that the whole 'love' thing scares him. Now, I dont really know if this means that his feelings scare him, or that my stating my feelings is scary. I assumed the first, but now I am not so sure. However, now that I think of it, I would bet that its a bit of both.
(Hey - Ale, if you are reading this.... would you REALLY prefer that I not have these feelings for you? Scary though they may be? Nah, thought not.)
He also told me he tells everyone about me, that we are fine, and that I shouldn't worry. Do you know what this means in 'man speak'? That he is really taking this seriously, that I am important to him, and that I really shouldn't worry. (this is what I really like best about men.... they aren't that complicated.)
But worry I do. Because I want us to put our pro con lists aside. I want to just jump in that hole together, and find out if it's yet another trap - or if it might just be the rabbit hole into wonderland. I want to chase the white rabbit, and see if there is a whole new world to explore. I want to stop weighing what is right, and what could be wrong, and just revel in loving someone, and in knowing I am loved in return. I want to wake up to a world that is a better place, just because Alessio is in it.
Of course, I am also the type of girl - who when she is reading a really scary mystery story - skips to the end of the book to find out what happens, just to make sure that there is a happy ending after all.
"it is hard to be brave," said piglet, sniffing slightly, "when you're
only a Very Small Animal."
A. A. Milne (1882 - 1956)
British writer
Winnie the Pooh, 1926, "Kanga and Baby Roo"
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