Losing Mama

I remember, once upon a time, having a mother. I remember being taken care of - at least a little - and, if not ever feeling secure - at least loving my mother passionately.

Then, I remember a man coming along and taking my mother away from me... and no matter how nice he was to me (and he was nice to me when I was very very little - at least from time to time) I remember the horrified feeling I had when they phoned us one day and announced that they had been married.

Shortly after this, I remember the hugs and kisses from my mother stopping, the bedtime stories stopping, and his turning on me - and his turning my mother against me. I went from being her dolly (it wasnt good, really - but it was something) to being a "spoiled brat".

I didn't lose my mama all at once, but over time. Not a long time, it was a pretty fast seduction and abandonment - and I never really understood how it could have happened. How could a mother leave her own child for a man?

Does my past control me, or simply inform me? Am I making decisions that are based on the fear of repeating my mothers mistakes, or are my mothers mistakes giving me wisdom - and how do I know the difference?

As important to me as the concept of home, love, and family are - I have pretty much decided that I will not marry again. Or - at least, I will not live with another man. Spike has a father,
and no matter what my needs may be, I will not subject him to a stepfather. I would like a life partner, but Spike's home is with me.

I am, for the moment, secure in this decision.

However, now I am finding myself in a very difficult situation. I am beginning to love someone - and even beginning to trust him. Needs I have supressed for a long time are being met, and he makes me really happy. Most of the time.... but...... I am a package deal. He is not entirely comfortable with this.

I feel that sometimes, in order to get what I need or want, he wants me to choose between him and Spike. Not out of maliciousness, or evil (he is not my stepfather) - but because he is not quite ready to be involved with my son. He feels, I think, that it is important for us to have time together to be established, or not, as a couple. Also, I think he is frightened about getting involved with any one's child, for reasons I don't quite understand.

Now, honestly - he may be right. He has been right about a lot of things so far. He forced me to take this slow. He has balanced my impulsiveness, and I think that maybe this has not been a bad thing. That he cares for me I do not doubt. That he is taking this all pretty seriously is clear.....

I would like to believe that the issue is that he doesnt want to play musical chairs with Spike's affections, and that he is simply being cautious and taking the whole subject of commitment very carefully - and this may be some of it. But also, he simply is just uncomfortable with children in general.

This is a very very very bad thing.... and it scares me deeply.

This is going to be the thing that ends it. Is this my fear speaking? Or is this Wisdom? And how do I know the difference?

And in his case.... is it fear, or wisdom? How do I know, and what do I trust?

I do not like compartamentalizing my life, nor can I tolerate the sensation of needing to choose between a man I may love, and a child who is my life. And more than anything else at all... I never ever ever want my baby to think I have left him for a stranger. To betray my child in such a way would be something I could never live with.