Are feelings thoughts? Because these days, I am having very sad thoughts, and very lonely feelings, and unlike higher intellectual pursuits, I don't really know how to "change my mind".
I know that thoughts create reality. I know that my experience of reality is largely formed by the things I think nd feel.... but I am never sure what comes first; chicken or the egg. Am I in a relationship that is never going to go anywhere, or am I creating a situation, through my beliefs - where I will only see something "wrong" when everything is just as it should be?
OR.... are my beliefs causing me to select people where a future is simply not possible? Am I finding ways to repeat a past situation in hopes of finding a different outcome (or simply to confirm deeply held beliefs?) AND, if I change my mind, do I get a different outcome? (I guess it depends on if I have chosen someone who cannot love me, or if my negative thoughts are creating a situation where love will not thrive.... or if I am simply percieving it thusly)
Are you confused yet? Welcome to my world. Living inside my head is a real joy ride.
Here is the current situation - or rather my perceptions of the current situation.
I am currently involved with Alessio, and have been for nearly a year. He is wonderful, and I like him so much. We compliment each other, in both our strengths and weaknesses. We are both, in many ways, children. Touching his body is like touching my own. I feel like this could be my best friend, and that we could have an incredible journey together.
I wake up thinking of him, and I fall asleep thinking of him.... and I always wish he were here with me.
The problem is he is holding out on me. He is careful of his independance, and is afraid to lose it. He is very deliberate about relationships, weighing all very carefully. I have given him my heart, but I do not have his in return (leaving me heartless?)
This is, of course, completely freaking me out. It is a replay of so much of my life, where I have loved with my whole heart, but have not felt loved in return. I know the price of ultimatums - of forcing this issue. Nick gave me false compliance - and maybe he really DID love me; but the fact that he was forced to it made him always doubt it. So, he stayed with me, with his fingers crossed.
Sometimes Ale thinks he loves me. But he is not really sure. I don't know why he is not sure.... mostly because he fears that love is a forever commitment I think. And he is not sure that I am the right woman for a forever commitment.
Part of me is grateful that one of us is thinking this through, being cautious and being careful. I do not need another train wreck in my life.
On the other hand, I have all this love to give - but I need reciprocity. I say "I love you", and sometimes I see joy in his eyes, and sometimes I see terror - but I feel like I am in this love affair all by myself, and it hurts and I hate it. Being lonely in love is a terrible thing... and here I am again!
But, am I choosing this? Of course I am choosing this. I must be choosing it, or I wouldnt be in this recurrent theme. How do I choose something else?
For comparison and contrast, life brought Lisandro back - someone who I loved before I was ready - someone who I probably selected because a future was not possible. We had lunch and hung out yesterday.... and there is no question that this is someone who loves me... and who I will always treasure.
This is not a question of "who" to choose, or of going back to Lisandro... we are temprementally too different, and I am done hurting each other - we have done that enough. The issue is more about what it feels like when someone really does love you. If feels good... even though, in this case, it is sad because it wont work.
I want that from Ale. I want to know I am loved. I want the possibilty of a future. I hate the feeling of being held out on. I hate the feeling of lonliness when I say "I love you", and he can't say it back.
If I change my mind, can I change his heart? How much of this am I causing by my beliefs? Or have I simply, yet again, chosen someone who cannot love me?
Seriously, the whole "cat lady" scenario is sounding better and better, all the time.
1 comment:
The egg came first.
In the realm of biology, the changes are manifest in the mutation of the offspring, ergo, the egg that gave rise to them came after the old proto-chicken laid it's last old proto-egg and the new form sprung forth.
Doesn't that help?
I didn't think so. (that never does with you. he said, winking)
Here's what's up: Thoughts are ONE HUNDRED PERCENT the origin of everything we think, feel, sense, suspect, intuit, hope, create, destroy and love. Oh, yeah, and hate...but let's not dwell on that one.
See? I just made a choice. I don't like to think about hate. It's not a useful, productive or kind emotion. But I know it's there. And I don't yell at myself when I think about it.
All those other things I mentioned start as thoughts, too. And one can choose what to do with them. Or, as I'm discovering lately, one can be overcome by (fear, doubt, rage, irritation, upset....insert appropriate negative emotion here) and let it happen without reacting to it. Having thoughts is human. Having emotions coming out of those thoughts is fine. Having those emotions be negative, or weird, or just plain maddening and uncomfortable is fine, too. Reacting to them is completely unnecessary. What do you do when Spike does something really unpleasant. "Oh, Spike, that's so unpleasant. It's not becoming." And it stops. Unless he's persistent.
When I have uncomfortable emotions, I bless them, and just wait till they go away....unless they're persistent. Then I know it's time to look at them. Is this coming from a current issue? Is this coming from something in my past? Is this something I am doing to fuck myself up? Or is this just such a habit, a pattern, that I'm addicted to the behavior only because it's familiar?
(By the way, none of the above was meant to be "loaded" at you...I really do ask those questions of myself. And I don't always get the correct/useful/solution-oriented answer...but it helps. It really helps.)
Okay, I'm reading my way up....more to come.
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