There are five ways to ask the question; why do you love me?
There is to wit:
1. WHY do you love me?
2. Why DO you love me?
3. Why do YOU love me?
4. Why do you LOVE me?
and finally,
5. Why do you love ME?
In the last blog entry, I answered question number 1. Ale wasn't quite satisfied with my response, so I am going to assume that this was not exactly what he meant when he asked me.
Now, number 1 and 2 are redundant, number 3 is out of the question.... and 4 and 5 are similiar enough that I am going to take a swipe at this.
Beyond the obvious and previously stated answers that he is a fine person, kind and gentle and smart.... (there are lots of people who fit this description whom I don't love)....
I like who I am when I am with him. I like (usually) the reflection of myself I see in his eyes.
Its about me. When I am with him, I am gentler, softer, and sweeter. He's good for me. His presence in my life makes me a better person.
There are new things here that I have never encountered before... an equality that I'd not experienced, and a respectfulness that is new to me.
Most of all, there is, for me, a spiritual connection at times that frees me in a way that i cannot put into words. It is as if we are children, and we are playing together, and when we connect like this.... if feels so incredibly right, so comfortable, and so happy, and I never want to lose that.
There is something about him that is making me willing to stay and be calm and wait for a while. Because somewhere, underneath all my doubt and fear I think this could be a great love.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Why do you love me?
The other night we were celebrating Ale's birthday. As is our wont, we killed a bottle of wine, which seems to take down many of our language barriers... and we talked.
Then Ale asked me "Why do you love me?" I responded with what my wine infused brain thought at the time... which was, essentially that I find him kind, I respect him, and because my body and soul tells me to. He is loveable.
But - the question stayed with me.... because this is a very serious question.
The short answer, and the most accurate answer is "Because I CHOOSE to". It is a choice I make in spite of my fear that he may not know that love is a choice - or my even deeper fear that it is one he will not or cannot choose. I choose it even while living in a deep and secret dread that I am not, ultimately, loveable, and that no one will ever really love me... (and I wonder if this too isnt just part of the human condition - to never feel worthy of love....)
His question itself led me back to the primary question. Do I really love him? (Because this is, I think, the question he was really asking...) The problem is that we have never discussed what actually constitutes love. I do not even know if we are working on the same definition of love.
Then Ale asked me "Why do you love me?" I responded with what my wine infused brain thought at the time... which was, essentially that I find him kind, I respect him, and because my body and soul tells me to. He is loveable.
But - the question stayed with me.... because this is a very serious question.
The short answer, and the most accurate answer is "Because I CHOOSE to". It is a choice I make in spite of my fear that he may not know that love is a choice - or my even deeper fear that it is one he will not or cannot choose. I choose it even while living in a deep and secret dread that I am not, ultimately, loveable, and that no one will ever really love me... (and I wonder if this too isnt just part of the human condition - to never feel worthy of love....)
His question itself led me back to the primary question. Do I really love him? (Because this is, I think, the question he was really asking...) The problem is that we have never discussed what actually constitutes love. I do not even know if we are working on the same definition of love.
love(lv)
n.
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
Every single dictionary I looked at gave this same generic answer. If a lawyer asked me, based on the dictionary definition of love - "Do you love this man?" - clearly the answer is yes. I imagine, based on this deinintion, his answer would also be yes.
Is love itself so simple? Yes.... it is. And it's not. Because attached to this simple and very clear feeling is the concept of "want". Along with romantic love is the concept of commitment, of what comes next? What happens when the passion fades? What happens if the time comes when the desire vanishes, and the fights begin, and the person you loved becomes someone else, someone you hate? What if you think you really love someone, but you are wrong?
Broken hearts are as inevitable as death. You can love someone all the days of your life, but eventually, someone dies, and someones heart is broken. There is only one way to avoid a broken heart, and that is to choose not to love at all. A broken heart means you are human, in the best sense, and that you have tried to live your life keeping your heart open, and soft, and vulnerable.
This is where the dictionary becomes useless... because, in the dictionary, love is a noun. And love is not a noun. It is a verb. It is an action, it is a choice, it is something in movement, and it is a living thing. At its greatest, it is a commitment two people make to each other - to protect and nurture that love and each other, to protect that state of oneness that love can bring.
So? Do I love you? With the limited information I have, yes. You share my bed, you share my time, but you do not share your life with me. I love you to the depth you have allowed, and perhaps just a little bit further.
Why do I love you? Because your spirit called to mine, and mine responded. When I am with you, I experience a sense of peace and oneness. I am happy when I am around you. You make my world a better place, just for being in it.
Is this forever? I don't know. It is a decision that we will make when the time comes for decisions of that sort. I can only tell you that if the time ever comes when I decide to give you my whole heart - and you decide to give me yours - your heart would have no safer home than with mine.
My love to you is freely given, to the best of my ability and to the depth it is allowed. I cannot make you love me, any more than I can make the sun rise in the morning. More - I do not want to "make" you do anything. All things must come in their own time.
I want your love, yes - but love must be freely given - because this is the nature of all things sacred.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Love is Difficult
It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation...
Rainer Maria Rilke
Letters to a Young Poet
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
In Defense of Marriage
The subject of marriage seems to be appearing everywhere I look these days. My friends marriage is on the rocks. Her husband believes I left my marriage on a whim - and thus doesn't want me around. I am still struggling with the legacy of my failed marriage... and trying to figure out what it all means; especially as I am in the situation of neither being married nor being divorced at the moment.
Some friends of mine are getting married in a couple of weeks. Ale and I are invited to the wedding, which he doesn't really want to attend because he "doesn't believe in marriage"
Now, first of all - my suspicion about Ale is that he is committment phobic to begin with. He has a problem committing to Saturday night, and he only commits when I make it clear that he's got to - and that it is for really practical reasons. Using the word love in a sentence makes his throat close up. Making a plan past the coming weekend is really hard on him.
Despite his commitment phobias, I really respect Ale, I wanted his idea's on this. I was hoping for something deep and profound.... because he really is capable of depth and profundity.
Unfortunately, in this case.... it was clear that he hadn't REALLY thought about it, or he was unable to articulate it clearly, because what he said was the same bullshit our culture feeds people about marriage these days.
"Most marriages end up in divorce; forever is nonsense because people eventually die anyway; people should stay together because it is a choice, not because of a piece of paper".
He had the good manners not to add "I haven't found the right woman" or "How could you resign yourself to only fuck one person for the rest of your life" - but, it goes with the rest of the argument. :)
I asked him about his parents marriage - which has been a long one, to which he replied "They would probably have gotten divorced, but you didn't do that in the 1960's and 70's". I forgot to ask him what he thinks would have become of his father if they had....
Ale is not particularly at fault in his beliefs about this. Aside from his general avoidance of commitment - which certainly does bug the fuck out of me, he is parroting our modern understanding of marriage. We have all become so cynical, so afraid - and our public media loves to report the statistics of marital failure, or how men get taken to he cleaners, of how no one wants marriage anymore. However, we don't hear about the successes, the longer life spans, the increased wealth of both parties, the higher life satisfaction, the better lives - the happy people. Happy people aren't interesting.
I don't believe in our modern understanding of marriage either. We have created out of marriage a system of economics, and we consider our marriages to be as disposable as our clothing. Our modern concpetion of marriage completely misses the point, and is a complete misunderstanding of what marriage is, and why.
Our world has become so secular and so rational that there is no longer room for the sacramental. It is the tragedy of our generation. The religious bigots stole the sacraments and all that makes life sacred, right out from under us, and the only sane response is to renounce all that is mystical, all that is sacramental... leaving us with secular humanism at best, or with a deep and ugly cynicism at worst.
Marriage is a sacrament. To say you don't believe in marriage is as nonsensical as saying you don't believe in naming your children, or giving your parents a funeral. We have very few major public sacraments in a lifetime; our naming day, our wedding day, our funeral. Our baptismal day - we are too young to remember. Our funeral, well - we cannot join the fun. Our weddings are the only time in our lives that all the people we love best in the world are with us, to wish us all the best - and its the only public sacrament where you can dance!
Some friends of mine are getting married in a couple of weeks. Ale and I are invited to the wedding, which he doesn't really want to attend because he "doesn't believe in marriage"
Now, first of all - my suspicion about Ale is that he is committment phobic to begin with. He has a problem committing to Saturday night, and he only commits when I make it clear that he's got to - and that it is for really practical reasons. Using the word love in a sentence makes his throat close up. Making a plan past the coming weekend is really hard on him.
Despite his commitment phobias, I really respect Ale, I wanted his idea's on this. I was hoping for something deep and profound.... because he really is capable of depth and profundity.
Unfortunately, in this case.... it was clear that he hadn't REALLY thought about it, or he was unable to articulate it clearly, because what he said was the same bullshit our culture feeds people about marriage these days.
"Most marriages end up in divorce; forever is nonsense because people eventually die anyway; people should stay together because it is a choice, not because of a piece of paper".
He had the good manners not to add "I haven't found the right woman" or "How could you resign yourself to only fuck one person for the rest of your life" - but, it goes with the rest of the argument. :)
I asked him about his parents marriage - which has been a long one, to which he replied "They would probably have gotten divorced, but you didn't do that in the 1960's and 70's". I forgot to ask him what he thinks would have become of his father if they had....
Ale is not particularly at fault in his beliefs about this. Aside from his general avoidance of commitment - which certainly does bug the fuck out of me, he is parroting our modern understanding of marriage. We have all become so cynical, so afraid - and our public media loves to report the statistics of marital failure, or how men get taken to he cleaners, of how no one wants marriage anymore. However, we don't hear about the successes, the longer life spans, the increased wealth of both parties, the higher life satisfaction, the better lives - the happy people. Happy people aren't interesting.
I don't believe in our modern understanding of marriage either. We have created out of marriage a system of economics, and we consider our marriages to be as disposable as our clothing. Our modern concpetion of marriage completely misses the point, and is a complete misunderstanding of what marriage is, and why.
Our world has become so secular and so rational that there is no longer room for the sacramental. It is the tragedy of our generation. The religious bigots stole the sacraments and all that makes life sacred, right out from under us, and the only sane response is to renounce all that is mystical, all that is sacramental... leaving us with secular humanism at best, or with a deep and ugly cynicism at worst.
Marriage is a sacrament. To say you don't believe in marriage is as nonsensical as saying you don't believe in naming your children, or giving your parents a funeral. We have very few major public sacraments in a lifetime; our naming day, our wedding day, our funeral. Our baptismal day - we are too young to remember. Our funeral, well - we cannot join the fun. Our weddings are the only time in our lives that all the people we love best in the world are with us, to wish us all the best - and its the only public sacrament where you can dance!
sacrament
c.1175, from O.Fr. sacrament (12c.), from L. sacramentum "a consecrating," from sacrare "to consecrate" (see sacred); a Church Latin loan-translation of Gk. mysterion "mystery."
When you get married, it doesn't matter if you believe that marriage is a sacrament. Most people who get married don't seem to comprehend that its a form of magic... you really ARE consecrated at this point. So, people enter for the reasons of paperwork, or with the idea that they can always get out of it... with thier eyes closed, or fingers crossed... but they are just as married. They just pretty much guarentee a bad ending. Because, you don't FUCK AROUND with magic.
In marriage, you consecrate yourselves to each other. You remain yourself, yet become more. You promise to dedicate yourself to each other, and to strive in all things to make each other happy. It is the only sacrament we have where we can recreate ourselves, our relationships, our families - and strive for something greater, outside ourselves - by creating a new thing. We create a family - we dedicate and sacrifice ourselves, and in doing so - we grow in ways that we cannot otherwise grow. It is not the same as living together... and it transends romantic love.
Its a pretty wonderful thing.
These are the vows I took - I held to them, sometimes joyfully - sometimes not. But I understood them as a sacrament, and was bound by the committment I made.
WITH this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow: In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.
I also promised to love, cherish and obey. I did my best, and I was a very good wife. I really liked the "with my body I thee worship" part....
I liked being married. I liked being dedicated to something outside of myself. I entered it with a full understanding of what I was saying, doing, and promising. I'm sorry my marriage ended, and I wish that Nick had not screwed with the magic by believing that he could be unmarried just because he didn't mean what he said.... because he still was married, but he missed out on much that could have been great, and didn't appreciate what he had until it was gone. But, even though the ending was so sad, I am not sorry I did it. It made me a better person. I can't even say the marriage was a failure - only that sometimes, things end - despite your best intentions.
This is not to say that I want to be married anytime soon. To say never would be a lie... but I believe in marriage. I believe in the sacramental. When I love someone, it is a sacrament. When I make love - at its best, it is a sacrament. I am at my best when I live a sacrametal life and try and remember that I live in a sacramental world. I think this is true of all people.... and its sad to me that we live in a world where the bad guys have grabbed all that is holy, and left the rest of us so bereft of our beliefs in magic.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Optimism
Ale and I were talking about our relationship one day.
He asked me why I wasn't an optimist.
Here is the sad truth: I don't think I can afford optimism.
It is somehow easier for me to live in the unhappiness of always expecting the worst, than to believe everything is ok - everything is great, and then have that shown to me as a delusion. That almost killed me once, and I don't think I can live through it again.
I think I need to look really hard at this. This is not something I care to teach my little boy.
He asked me why I wasn't an optimist.
Here is the sad truth: I don't think I can afford optimism.
It is somehow easier for me to live in the unhappiness of always expecting the worst, than to believe everything is ok - everything is great, and then have that shown to me as a delusion. That almost killed me once, and I don't think I can live through it again.
I think I need to look really hard at this. This is not something I care to teach my little boy.
"An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.”
Monday, June 11, 2007
changing cognitive states
Are feelings thoughts? Because these days, I am having very sad thoughts, and very lonely feelings, and unlike higher intellectual pursuits, I don't really know how to "change my mind".
I know that thoughts create reality. I know that my experience of reality is largely formed by the things I think nd feel.... but I am never sure what comes first; chicken or the egg. Am I in a relationship that is never going to go anywhere, or am I creating a situation, through my beliefs - where I will only see something "wrong" when everything is just as it should be?
OR.... are my beliefs causing me to select people where a future is simply not possible? Am I finding ways to repeat a past situation in hopes of finding a different outcome (or simply to confirm deeply held beliefs?) AND, if I change my mind, do I get a different outcome? (I guess it depends on if I have chosen someone who cannot love me, or if my negative thoughts are creating a situation where love will not thrive.... or if I am simply percieving it thusly)
Are you confused yet? Welcome to my world. Living inside my head is a real joy ride.
Here is the current situation - or rather my perceptions of the current situation.
I am currently involved with Alessio, and have been for nearly a year. He is wonderful, and I like him so much. We compliment each other, in both our strengths and weaknesses. We are both, in many ways, children. Touching his body is like touching my own. I feel like this could be my best friend, and that we could have an incredible journey together.
I wake up thinking of him, and I fall asleep thinking of him.... and I always wish he were here with me.
The problem is he is holding out on me. He is careful of his independance, and is afraid to lose it. He is very deliberate about relationships, weighing all very carefully. I have given him my heart, but I do not have his in return (leaving me heartless?)
This is, of course, completely freaking me out. It is a replay of so much of my life, where I have loved with my whole heart, but have not felt loved in return. I know the price of ultimatums - of forcing this issue. Nick gave me false compliance - and maybe he really DID love me; but the fact that he was forced to it made him always doubt it. So, he stayed with me, with his fingers crossed.
Sometimes Ale thinks he loves me. But he is not really sure. I don't know why he is not sure.... mostly because he fears that love is a forever commitment I think. And he is not sure that I am the right woman for a forever commitment.
Part of me is grateful that one of us is thinking this through, being cautious and being careful. I do not need another train wreck in my life.
On the other hand, I have all this love to give - but I need reciprocity. I say "I love you", and sometimes I see joy in his eyes, and sometimes I see terror - but I feel like I am in this love affair all by myself, and it hurts and I hate it. Being lonely in love is a terrible thing... and here I am again!
But, am I choosing this? Of course I am choosing this. I must be choosing it, or I wouldnt be in this recurrent theme. How do I choose something else?
For comparison and contrast, life brought Lisandro back - someone who I loved before I was ready - someone who I probably selected because a future was not possible. We had lunch and hung out yesterday.... and there is no question that this is someone who loves me... and who I will always treasure.
This is not a question of "who" to choose, or of going back to Lisandro... we are temprementally too different, and I am done hurting each other - we have done that enough. The issue is more about what it feels like when someone really does love you. If feels good... even though, in this case, it is sad because it wont work.
I want that from Ale. I want to know I am loved. I want the possibilty of a future. I hate the feeling of being held out on. I hate the feeling of lonliness when I say "I love you", and he can't say it back.
If I change my mind, can I change his heart? How much of this am I causing by my beliefs? Or have I simply, yet again, chosen someone who cannot love me?
Seriously, the whole "cat lady" scenario is sounding better and better, all the time.
I know that thoughts create reality. I know that my experience of reality is largely formed by the things I think nd feel.... but I am never sure what comes first; chicken or the egg. Am I in a relationship that is never going to go anywhere, or am I creating a situation, through my beliefs - where I will only see something "wrong" when everything is just as it should be?
OR.... are my beliefs causing me to select people where a future is simply not possible? Am I finding ways to repeat a past situation in hopes of finding a different outcome (or simply to confirm deeply held beliefs?) AND, if I change my mind, do I get a different outcome? (I guess it depends on if I have chosen someone who cannot love me, or if my negative thoughts are creating a situation where love will not thrive.... or if I am simply percieving it thusly)
Are you confused yet? Welcome to my world. Living inside my head is a real joy ride.
Here is the current situation - or rather my perceptions of the current situation.
I am currently involved with Alessio, and have been for nearly a year. He is wonderful, and I like him so much. We compliment each other, in both our strengths and weaknesses. We are both, in many ways, children. Touching his body is like touching my own. I feel like this could be my best friend, and that we could have an incredible journey together.
I wake up thinking of him, and I fall asleep thinking of him.... and I always wish he were here with me.
The problem is he is holding out on me. He is careful of his independance, and is afraid to lose it. He is very deliberate about relationships, weighing all very carefully. I have given him my heart, but I do not have his in return (leaving me heartless?)
This is, of course, completely freaking me out. It is a replay of so much of my life, where I have loved with my whole heart, but have not felt loved in return. I know the price of ultimatums - of forcing this issue. Nick gave me false compliance - and maybe he really DID love me; but the fact that he was forced to it made him always doubt it. So, he stayed with me, with his fingers crossed.
Sometimes Ale thinks he loves me. But he is not really sure. I don't know why he is not sure.... mostly because he fears that love is a forever commitment I think. And he is not sure that I am the right woman for a forever commitment.
Part of me is grateful that one of us is thinking this through, being cautious and being careful. I do not need another train wreck in my life.
On the other hand, I have all this love to give - but I need reciprocity. I say "I love you", and sometimes I see joy in his eyes, and sometimes I see terror - but I feel like I am in this love affair all by myself, and it hurts and I hate it. Being lonely in love is a terrible thing... and here I am again!
But, am I choosing this? Of course I am choosing this. I must be choosing it, or I wouldnt be in this recurrent theme. How do I choose something else?
For comparison and contrast, life brought Lisandro back - someone who I loved before I was ready - someone who I probably selected because a future was not possible. We had lunch and hung out yesterday.... and there is no question that this is someone who loves me... and who I will always treasure.
This is not a question of "who" to choose, or of going back to Lisandro... we are temprementally too different, and I am done hurting each other - we have done that enough. The issue is more about what it feels like when someone really does love you. If feels good... even though, in this case, it is sad because it wont work.
I want that from Ale. I want to know I am loved. I want the possibilty of a future. I hate the feeling of being held out on. I hate the feeling of lonliness when I say "I love you", and he can't say it back.
If I change my mind, can I change his heart? How much of this am I causing by my beliefs? Or have I simply, yet again, chosen someone who cannot love me?
Seriously, the whole "cat lady" scenario is sounding better and better, all the time.