...Or Life, the Universe, and everything.
I need to preface this post with what I believe, or the rest makes not a lot of sense.
Though lately I have been writing about Buddhism, I am not a Buddhist. What I know about Buddhism would fit in a teaspoon. I am - for want of a better description - a Christian. Though I believe that Christ was a Buddhist.
The "church" would tell you that I am not a Christian. I do not believe in the resurrection of the body, I do not believe in only one life, I do not believe in the virgin birth, nor in the communion of saints. I doubt that Jesus died for our sins - I think he died because of our sinfullness, and that he died a political prisoner, just as we continue to kill political prisoners to this day. I do not believe in hell, and I think heaven is right here on earth. And I do believe in reincarnation (that being the resurrection that the bible is actually referring to...)
So - I am heretic. In the very strictest sense of the word. On a bad day I believe we are biological accidents formed in the randomness of the universe, and that we simply get born, we live, we die - and we assign spiritual meaning to this because we cannot face the existential void.
Ok - now why I really came to write.
I am in a new relationship. Its about 8 or 9 months old at this point, but its moving along sloowwwwllllyyyyy. Its still all about date night, and being on best behavior. No keys have been exchanged. We don't leave stuff at each others houses. I have yet to meet a single one of his friends. I have never been in any thing quite so slow before, and it bugs me - but I'm riding with it. I'm kind of bothered by it, actually. But I'm sticking it out for a while because this is something quite new to me....
I am having a relationship with someone who I have never known before. There is no karmic history. There are no past life entanglements. I do not recognize him from anywhere else... I dont feel as if I have "known him all my life" - and I must say, I am more curious than afraid, and that is new for me too.
With each man I have loved, we had loved each other in some other life. I had memories of them, or I could see clearly what the future would hold. I "knew" them in some inexplicable way that went deeper that dinner, dating, and sex. In Nicks case, we been around the block so many times before that I knew what would happen when I finally had a child - because I had memories of it. I knew Lisandro, I knew Marcello - I "recognized" them. Even my entanglement with A, even though it came to nothing, was sparked because we had known each other - I believe the whole entire thing about "soul mates" comes not from necessarily "belonging together" - but is rather based on this sense of having been around lifes wheel a few times together.
But now, I am with someone who I have never known before. I have a clean slate. Its fresh. But - can you REALLY love someone who you have only met in this lifetime? Can you ever really get to know them without a few lifetimes of prior experience?
Do I love him? Yes, freqeuntly. Am I "in love" with him. Sometimes. These are things I do not say, because I do not know how they will be recieved or understood - nor do men seem to really understand that love is taking out the trash and doing the dishes at the end of the day. Plus, just because you love someone doesn't really mean you have a lifetime to spend together - nor that you are even remotely compatible. Plus - I don't really KNOW how I feel, because - I have no experience with this man.
Having no frame of reference, no past life, no common mother tongue... it is like staring into the abyss. I have ALWAYS known the future. Now, I look into the future, and he is not in it. Yet, I find that unimaginable. There is something so "right" in what's happening here. But, I dont think he loves me, and I don't know that he ever will. Because like me - he has no frame of reference either.
The day he leaves my life and my bed will be a very sad day indeed. I like him in my life and in my bed. I like him. I think of him and feel very warm inside, but I also feel very anxious, because I don't know what will happen next.
But, I know he will still be here tomorrow. And I will just have to content myself with that. At least until that is not enough.
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