An overdeveloped sense of justice

Generally, when I write, I am unconcious. These writings write themselves in my head, but by the time I appraoch my keyboard, what comes out of my fingers is something entirely different. Todays particular writing is different, because I am concious, and I am embarrassed for myself and by myself - I feel "wrong" - "bad" and a certain amount of self loathing for it. At the same time, I have great pride in my point of view - and I feel a deep sense of confusion.

The wide variety of methods that kids will find to survive a really horrible childhood are astonishing. I deeply admire my child self for the path to survival she personally took - yet it is this same path that is now, for me, a source of suffering - and a fault I have that frightens others and causes difficulties in my relationships. It is a very tangled web of "good" and "bad" - lacking clarity, and one of those places where my very strengths are my greatest weaknesses.

As a child, and living in a family of - well - troglodytes, I turned to books, education, ideas, and God. I developed this incredible sense of justice, ethics, a habit for trying always to take a higher path. Though I would be targeted by other children for it, I always stuck up for the underdog, whatever kid was being picked on - and I defended myself in my own heart by feeling my own "self-righeousness".

So - how is trying to be 'good' and 'just' - always striving to do the 'right' thing - wrong? Well - its all in the language I just used, even if it isn't in the intentions I have. As a child, I desperately needed to defend and seperate myself from the people I lived with. These were really bad and scary people who really were out to get me and who did thier best - for whatever reason - to hurt me. And even though you can have compasion for a serial killer, you don't meet him in a dark alley after midnight. I LIVED in that dark alley in perpetual nighttime.

An overdeveloped sense of justice, and an ability to articulate and distinguish right from wrong was the only defense I had, and out of all the alternatives out there - the most blessed tactic I could have taken. It allowed me to grow into a decent human being, when I had no role models of human decency in my own home. It helped me to create a higher standard to live up to, when those around me were defining me as a whore, a liar, a thief and trying to create a little monster of thier own. This same weapon that served to save me as a child is now hurting people I love, - but it worked so well for me, that I don't want to give it up for good!

As an adult my sense of self-righteousness has become a habit. This habit interferes with my ability to communicate, and it seperates me from others. It is not, necessarily, that I always think in terms of right and wrong and good and bad, because I do not. However - when I speak, I often speak in a way that sounds so "certain" - and my point of view is often so clearly articulated, that other people do not feel like they can talk to me, or that I can listen to them. I often seem to lack any doubts whatsoever. My way of speaking frequently shuts other people down... and that is certainly not my intention.



Now, I don't know exactly what to do about this habit - because at times being able to speak with certainty and authority is a great gift. It can inspire others to share in my visions, can motivate others to reach further, and can serve myself and the world well. However, in my personal relationships - this is proving to be disatrous, by making others feel like they cannot articulate their points of view, as if I am so certain of everything that there is no room for them nor thier reality.

I am not always certain. I am not always right. But while I can communicate my certainties, I do not know how to communicate my uncertanties - and sometimes, I cannot always tell the difference.

Also, I fear that if I change thse habits, I sacrifice some of my greatest gifts.

How do I get over my own "self-righteousness" while still distinguishing right from wrong and good from bad. There is no moral relativity in things such as child abuse, slavery, war, and murder. There is no moral relativity when examining the evils our government is perpetrating across the globe. There can be no moral justification for adults who rape children. While I can certainly feel compassion for the conditions that create monsters, and while I can pray that these monsters recieve healing to return to a state of grace - I do not know how to NOT judge thier actions, nor how to feel 'oneness' for such as these.

How do I get off my right/wrong good/bad absolutest ways of being in this world - and make room for the realities of others, while still preserving my ethical sensibilites? How do I preserve my own voice, while encouraging others to speak back just as forcefully? I can see the pain my way of being can cause to others - but I can also see the good my way of being can do in the world. It is not possible to change a world that you float above, and it doesn't serve God if I constantly seperate myself from others.

Just how do I balance this? I do not know yet. But my way is NOT always right, and more to the point, it is not always effective. Other people do have great contributions to make, but if the timbre of my voice shuts off their ability to speak, I weaken the world with my own aspiration to make it a better place. And I weaken my own ability to create change in the world by frightening others.

I have no answer to this problem at this point. I can see where my judgementalism closes rather than opens my heart, and I can see where my own way of defending myself can cause me to be attacked. How do I express myself authentically, without stopping up the hearts of others?

Reading over what I have just written shames me, though I am not exactly sure why. My sense of hubris? My arrogance? My self-defensiveness? Out of all the things I have written about myself, what I write here might be the most shaming of all - because I AM arrogant. I am prideful. But my emotions and my intellect are at war over this, because though I feel ashamed of myself, and though I see my faults illustrated in this essay - I do not feel that my sense of truth or justice are wrong!!!! Worse still, I am teaching myself an important lessson here - but it is as if I am teaching myself trigonometry. My own inner teacher is doing her best, by my own inner student just doesn't understand.