Notes from a present life

Today my son began to ask questions. It was inevitable. He's 5 years old, and precocious.

"Mama, why can't we live with Babbo, or why can't Babbo live with us"

And so we begin.

"I loved your Babbo very much, but one day your Babbo didn't love me anymore, so we went away...."

"Ask him to forgive you Mama"

"Baby, I didn't do anything that needs forgiveness. I didn't do anything wrong. He just stopped loving me"

"Ask him to forgive you Mama"

"You can only ask forgiveness if you've done something wrong, sweetheart."

"But does my Babbo love me?"

"Of course he does. He loves you and misses you, but we both know that you are better off here in Italy with Mama. But when you are big enough, you can fly to the United States and spend whole summers with him"

"But what happened Mama?"

"Spike, he just stopped loving me. He changed his mind, but we just don't love each other like husband and wife. "

"How was it before Mama?"

"Every day, your Babbo would come in, and he would say 'I love you', and I would say 'I love you more', and we would touch and kiss and hug, and we seemed happy. But after he didn't love me, I cried and cried, and you would ask 'Mama, are you happy?' - So Spike, we had to leave."

"Why did we come so far?"

"Because Spike, you chose Italy. You and I and your Uncle Steve went to Train Town, and afterwards, you picked a restaurant. It was owned by italians, and they loved you and brought you toys and special food.... and so we came to Italy!"

"I miss my Babbo"

"I know baby - and your Babbo misses you. And no matter how far away you are, we will always be a family, and your Mama and Babbo will always love you more that anything in the world."

"But will you love each other?"

I don't think so, baby.

Oh my best beloved. This is not what I wanted for you. Someday you may read this, and I need you to know that this wasn't the plan. I wanted you to have what I never had.... a family with a Mother and Father who truly loved each other, a happy home filled with joy.

I waited so long for you Spike, month after month, year after year, I prayed for you to come to me. Every month, when I found I was not pregnant, I cried. Even before you were born, you were the one thing I wanted and needed more than anything else. For nearly 14 years I waited for you. Finally, after I had given up hope of ever holding you in my arms, you came. I wanted to give you a perfect life and a perfect family.

It's not to be, my love.... but I give you the best that I have. I am not a perfect Mama, I know... I lose my temper sometimes, and I don't always listen. But I have tried to surround you with people who love you, and I make sure to try and keep you and your best loved Babbo as close as 6,000 miles allow (and believe it or not, you are closer to your Babbo than many children who live with their fathers!). I make sure, as best I can, that your Babbo is your hero - because boys need heroes!

I hope that someday you will forgive me for failing to give you the perfect family. I couldn't do anything but what I've done. Our family is broken. But still good. Yes, still good.