As I wander through this life I find much grief - not in the things that have happened to me, or in any specific incident occurring in reality... But in all the unfulfilled possibilities. The might have beens, could have beens, should have beens. Life is such a huge spider web, with each possibility that offers itself, each fork in the road, leading to other outcomes.
It isn't necessarily that I believe those other outcomes would lead to something better... Nor that I necessarily regret what life has given me. It is simply the frustration of NOT KNOWING. I feel like each possibility not presented, each opportunity not exercised is a real loss - and sometimes, those unknown losses make me cry.
For example, who would I be now had I not been switched at birth? What sort of woman would that same child with the same genetics have been had she been raised in a safe and loving home? Would I be inclined to save the world? Would I still be political, or compassionate, or have an overendowed empathetic sense? Would I be more successful, as the world measures success?
I can almost see the threads where that road leads. I would not have married Nick. I would not have gone into theatre. I would have my pH But I would not have Spike, nor would I be living in Italy.
So, since I am happy with the outcome, how can I wish that it had been different? I swear to you, it is not the outcome. It really is the not knowing that drives me mad.
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