Death Dreams

The other night I had a dream that I am still trying to sit with. Hopefully, in this retelling I won't add or take away much -

In this dream I was dying of 3 types of cancer... all in my torso. I cannot remember which organs were affected -

I kissed Spike and Betta goodbye, and I went off to find someone to help me die. Eventually, I collapsed in pain on the floor of a bar, and someone offered to give me an overdose of painkillers. I motioned to him to give me enough to kill my pain, but not to kill me. He gave me an injection in my right index finger, and went away.

Again I wandered off to find help - but I could not find any. I talked to someone at a boat dock, and he couldnt help me, I wandered off some more, and tried making phone calls, but I could not reach anyone. All I wanted was someone to sit with me and comfort me while I died.

Then, I realized I was already dead. I could smell it, I could taste it... and I began vomiting up my intestines, my insides were melted and coming out of my mouth, and I could feel pieces of stomach as I vomited. I recall that the vomiting was incredibly painful....

When I finished vomiting, I again tried to contact people to come help me. I called my brother, but he wouldnt take my call, and I didnt know who else to call or where to turn.

Then, I was crossing a bridge (or maybe it was a barge?) - and I was looking down at my friend Amy's house - I was elevated, though not so high... and I recalled that I had rehearsal the next day, and that I needed to be there, so I decided that I couldn't be dead, and since no one would help me die I might as well be alive.

My last thought before waking was that no one lives through this kind of cancer... and then I woke up.

I began to cry, because there was no one there to sit with me who would be with me as I die.