If you didn't struggle so much, it wouldn't hurt so bad!

You know, sometimes I really should write when I am feeling happy, because I am nearly certain that both my readers are convinced that I am constantly miserable. I'm not. Its just that when I am happy, I am busy being happy. When I am unhappy, it means that life is trying to teach me shit.

Life is busy with me these days.

Today's lesson is patience. The problem with this is that I don't seem to have the foggiest clue what patience means.

To my knowledge, what patience means is that you wait around for other people to decide what they are going to do and how it is going to impact your life. It means giving all your power and self control to another human being, and hoping against hope that you are going to like what the other person decides to do.

Now, with this point of view - I guess it is absolutely no wonder that I have no patience. When someone says to me "please be patient" - I am filled with anxiety and despair. It means I have no say, no control - and the only thing I can do is wait, in this state of utter terror.

So, obviously, I've got this whole thing wrong - because otherwise, wise people wouldn't say things like "patience is a virtue". And, obviously I have it wrong because if I understood it - life wouldn't be beating me up with a "patience" stick.

So, I guess the question for me is to how to learn patience, without being so completely fucking disempowered. And how to know when waiting is pointless, and to just move on.

Ok - I just looked patience up in the dictionary.

Dictionary.com Unabridged
(v 1.1)Cite This Source
pa·tience –noun
1.the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation,
annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2.an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or
annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3.quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Synonyms

1. composure, stability, self-possession; submissiveness, sufferance. Patience, endurance, fortitude, stoicism imply qualities of calmness, stability, and persistent courage in trying circumstances. Patience may denote calm, self-possessed, and unrepining bearing of pain, misfortune, annoyance, or delay;
or painstaking and untiring industry or (less often) application in the doing of somehing: to bear afflictions with patience. Endurance denotes the ability to bear exertion, hardship, or suffering (without implication of moral qualities
required or shown): Fortitude implies not only patience but courage and strength of character in the midst of pain, affliction, or hardship: to show fortitude in adversity.

Can I state that this definition is not particularly helpful?

Some people seem to be born with natural equilibrium. I think I am not one of those people. I CAN live in a state of gray - things do not have to be black and white... But the notion of having to wait while others decide what they will or will not do - and to do it gracefully and without terrific anxiety is so hard. How do you know when to cut your losses and just walk away?

In my life right now, there are 2 situations that are BIG to me, and both are about patience. Both of these situations require calmness and fortitude and grace. I cannot move these rivers - my only choices are to wait until the river water subsides and I can cross... or to walk away and find a new path. And I am suffering - but the situations themselves - though difficult, are not the cause of the pain. The cause of the pain is that I am trying to move the rivers. If I didn't struggle so much... it wouldn't hurt so bad!

Situation one involves someone whom I once believed to be a freind, and whom I care for. But, she has a lot of problems, and it seems that I get pinned with those problems. To preserve this freindship, I have exhibited an extraordinary amount of patience - I have changed my behavior (even though I don't believe - in retrospect - that my behavior was really my problem) - I have allowed her to "put me in my place" (my rightful place in her point of view). I submitted to all she asked, and more - and as long as I was submissive, kept my head down, kept my thoughts to myself.... she seemed OK with me again.

But now, her partner has become jealous of me. Because of this, he doesn't want us to be freinds. He doesn't want her to see me anymore. How this particular delusion on his part came to be - I have no fucking idea. It is so bizarre, and so childish that I have no words. So I am now the "cause" of her pain again. I am being impacted, and worse - my son is being impacted, by her lack of responsibility and personal ownership of her own life. She has asked me to be patient while she sorts this out.

This is causing me pain. I cannot move this river. I don't want my son to suffer because of this. If it were only me, the answer is clear. I have been committed to this freindship, and willing to supress my own personal best interests in order to BE her freind, but this is just too much. But it is not just my life.... my son's best loved freind is involved in this mess too. These boys love each other, and I do NOT take my son's feelings so lightly.

Situation 2 is different, but is again causing me great anxiety. I have been in relationship with a very wonderful guy for about 10 month. He adores me, I adore him... but.... but.... Why on earth are there buts here?

We both sit on the fence. I sit on the fence because I don't want to get hurt. I don't trust my feelings entirely. But, there is a connection here that would be foolish to walk away from. There is something special and irreplaceable here.

He sits on the fence because he just doesn't see a future with me. Or see's one and doesn't like what it looks like. I don't know what he see's - but I think he looks down the road, and I am not there.

Some of his fears are reasonable. A commitment to me is a commitment to a family. He doesn't know if he loves me. I am not what he had in mind. These are big things - and he is right to be careful.

His other concern is our lack of a common tongue... but honestly, this is one of the things I love best. We must communicate very carefully... and neither one of us can use words as a weapon. This is one of the greatest gifts I have ever recieved.

We are happy when we are together. So, when we are together there is love - or something that feels a while lot like it. When he see's me, his eyes light up - its so wonderful! And no matter how anxious I have been feeling, when he walks into the room, the anxiety dissolves..... and I relax. With him, I am "sweet". I really don't think anyone has ever used that word to describe me before, but, he "sweetens" me. And that's a really nice thing.

When we are apart, it all vanishes. Poof. Like we have never known each other. He is doubtful, I am anxious... and I feel his doubts all the way across town.

My answer is, of course - so, lets be together more. (* Being a rather practical person, as well as an ardent fan of mind altering chemicals, I figure if something makes you feel good... more of it is always better than less.)

Neither one of us wants to walk away.... but both of us think about it every day. Me, because I cant stand the uncertainty. I would rather take the risk, and be wrong, than to wait and be "patient". He - on the other hand - takes his time always. 3 years for his thesis. Never been married and never wants to be married - or even share a home. MAY want a family - when he is 45. I think maybe he is not great at commitment.

I don't want to get married right now. I love having my own home. I am in no hurry to marry again, and I am in no hurry to share my home with another person - because my home is with Spike. But - I DO want a partner. I do want to be committed and in love. I do want someone to belong to, someone with whom I have a sense of "conivoligmento". I want to share my life with a person I love. And I could love him. He's lovely. So.... my only choice here is to wait. And see. And it is taking every ounce of self discipline not to walk away.

I cannot move this river either. I think there is enough here to see it through - enough passion to stay put for a while. I am willing - for now - to sit tight and see what the future brings.

And... I think this is a good relationship for me. He is teaching me patience. He calms me when he is with me. And, I think he could learn something about commitment from me.... I am NOT good at patience, but I am terrific at commitment and perseverence. And I am really good at loving.

I have no answers. Only questions. Elaine says that patience isn't about waiting. It is about acceptance. And I think it is also about trusting in the universe, trusting in serendipity.

I wish I were better at these things. I hope with all my heart that I learn these lessons this time.... because I am truely getting tired of getting hit with the "patience stick".