It could be that I have many lives to live. In my bleak understanding of physics and time, it is quite possible that I am simultaneously living many lives, all in the same moment - in many different dimensions and even historical periods. Of course, this is possible.
The problem is, I am only fully aware of the life I am living in my current understanding of NOW. And I only get to live this life - according to my current state of consciousness - NOW. There are no 'do overs' that I will ever be aware of - its not like a game where you can take your move back.
So - with only this one very precious life - how do I want it to be? What shall be its shape? Out of what shall I construct it?
On my magical oddessey to France, I went on a shamanic journey. A vision quest, so to speak. It came to me that my life is shaped by relationship, from the connectedness with the others in my life. It is these relationships that give my life meaning, validity, freedom and form. The people in my life provide the architecture and the intrinsic structure which allows me to dream the dreams I follow.
I am not alone. We are, none of us, alone. Or rather, the aloness we have is a perception, or a choice we make - but it is not really our natural condition.
Each person I touch or who touches me provides me with a mirror and informs me of who I am. Those relationships that have always made me suffer are those in which I can tell that the other person cannot see me - and my reflection in their eyes is broken - I am not real, I am only a figment of their imaginations.
I had that with Nick, (not so much anymore - he does see me now...) - I had that with my friend Ames, and I have that with 'the boy'.... but for the most part? People can see me.. I am not invisible or imaginary at all. Furthermore -- I love who I see reflected in the vision of my friends and lovers and pals. I like the shape of who I am, and what I am becomming.
This might be one of the first times I have ever realized such a thing. I LIKE myself, I like my life - and I am blessed by the connections I enjoy and the love others hold for me.
Furthermore, I had the opportunity to examine how I have constructed my life. Other than my very bad habit of trying to MAKE other people see me when they don't (which leads me to suffer greatly....) - my life is really a masterpiece. I'm not sure how I have achieved this, to be truthful --- I have a job that is good for me, which provides me with freedom, creativity, and where I am truely valued.
I have a life's work - a vocation and calling to which I have been faithful. And which , after years of struggle, finally seems to be beginning to take a shape and a form that will allow me to serve it fully.
I have a son, who is a joy to me. He loves me always, and I think I am a good mother (were I a bad mother, all the rest would be meaningless). We are a family - small, and a little broken.... but good. Still good. And my ex husband, though I am still trying to bring myself to full forgiveness - he finally, after years of struggle, see's me, loves me, and admires me. He has always supported me in my dreams, and for this, I am truely grateful.
I often put my attention on what is wrong, I take for granted what is right. This is - well - it is the very defination of living in a state of sin, I think.
I have travelled the world. I have eaten in the finest restaraunts. I have drunk gallons of champagne, and I have known many beautiful men (and a couple of stunning women as well.) I am surrounded, now, by bright and wonderful people.... and have been my whole adult life through. I have books, and poetry, and music in my life... not to mention some very neat technology. I have a closet full of nice clothes and beautiful shoes, and enough money to provide all the basic needs of our life
I am - at this moment, still young and strong - with a still sharp mind and a very good education.
I have friends and partners, who love me truely - who care for me, trust me, and need me just as much as I need them. I have people who do take care of me, who are concerned when I am sick and sad, alone and lonely - in trouble - and who rejoice with me when I am joyful and succeed.
I am rich beyond imagining.
So, the future of this one life? To begin of course, I want more of the same! More travel, champagnem food, friends, work, sex, adventure. I want to see my boy grow tall and strong. I want a lifetime, filled with perfect moments, glorious sunsets, sex on the beach, and work which fills my soul.
And maybe, someday a someone to share this life with, and build a new dream of the future with.... a friend to adventure with. I want to reach the stars so at the end of this life I can say "Good Job, Well Done... you made a life, and it was good"
