When are we finally OK?

Last night my conscious and semi conscious mind were on a roll.... I would dream something, disturbing - nd then I would half wake, and ask my unconscious something else - and go back to dreaming. I slept hard for nearly 12 hours, and woke exhausted.

I wrote all of it out - and somehow, my finger slipped, and I managed to delete the whole entry - (I never know, when this happens, if this is an act of God or of technology....) We are now 10 hours later, and I will try and see what my mind has processed of this.

For those of you who know me or have read my work, you know my back ground and my life story. I grew up in violence and abuse, alcoholism and addiction, frightened and insecure as long as can remember. I do not say these things for sympathy - but only to explain the theory of development that comes with such a back ground. Let me state, categorically, that I am infuriated when I see some of these forces still driving me, beyond my conscious mind, after so many years.

When being raised in situations such as these, children find clever adaptive strategies, to make their lives still livable. We must. My eldest brother, he became detached, and cold. He doesn't suffer, because he doesn't FEEL. My middle brother, arguably the most sensitive of the three - well, I am not sure what his strategy was - just that he found Jesus... and he is OK. Don't look - don't tell.

Me? I set out to be the best little girl in the world. I became compliant, forgiving, christian in my soul. I heard the voices of Gods and angels. I beleived that every one was good underneath, and that if people weren't sick and injured and ill - they would not be the way they are.

I believed what Anne Frank said - "in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” I tried to forgive everyone, 70 x 7. I turned the other cheek.

Sounds good, no? Well, out of all the maladaptive ways to deal with dysfuntion - I suppose that this might well be the best, but it is not driven out of health or purity, it is driven my a neurotic need to be loved, out of a need to make sense out of a world that is fundamentally senselss, a world that is broken - full of broken and damaged people.

Because of good genetics, or being a lonely child, or some sense of struggling against chaos - I began to route my escape early. I found God in a small Kenosha church when I was 7 - and I became a devoutly liberal progressive Christian at the age of 7.

As a young teen I read Fromm and Frankl - where I discovered self responsibiity - that one must MAKE meaning from meaningless suffering. These ideas saved my life at a time when life was too unbearable to live.

As an older teen I discoved Jane Roberts, who channelled a spirit named Seth. Now, regardless of our shared skeptisicim about people who channel spirits, this material was good. It taught that we are responsibile for our reality, and we can change our reality by changing our thoughts. I also was introduced to Dan Millman - another author who talked about living life with a purpose. These books propelled me into college, into finding a life of my own, beyond the small world of my home town.

I dabble in wicca, in Christainity, Buddhism. I read Jung, Hillman, Moore. I listen to Pema Chodron, I work through toltec shamanism, step by step. I write and think about these issues a lot. I have studied the deep thinkers, I have gone through hundreds of thousands of dollars of therapy. I chant, I pray, I study --- I have worked my whole life long on 'personal growth' -

And perhaps I have come a long way towards my child hood dream of attainin some sort of spiritual enlightenment... but, I'm still broken. I am still that 6 year old child wanting someone to take care of her. All this work - all this reading - all of this emotional pain of trying to heal....

When is it going to be that I consider myself OK? When will I outgrow my nuerotic compulsions, my needs for nourishment from others? Am I lovable if I am still broken? And, more - is this drive to grow, to really really grow - is not this just another nuerotic manifestation of a child like attempt to make some bargain with the powers that be - "If I become perfect, will you love me then?"

A Perfect Love

I went to church last week, and the new Priest, Reverend Barbara Cawthorne Crafton (yeah - a chick priest.... how cool is that!) gave a sermon that touched on how some of us really truely believe God is like us - that God loves what we love, hates who we hate - she said that we had better hope its not so.... because the only creature that really knows how to truely express pure and unconditionally perfect love is the dog. The rest of us are going to hell, (including cats....).

One of my spiritual mentors, Don Miguel Ruiz also speaks of this. Our dogs love us perfectly, just as we are. They are not angry with us when we don't have time to play - they are always happy to see us. When we are late coming home, they greet us at the door smiling - joyful at the fact that we have returned. They don't judge us or try and change us. And when we need something from them, they are generally there immediately, with a kiss and a cuddle. (Ok - this does not apply to chow chows. Chow chows are cats in disguise....)

Now, I have been trying very hard to love like my dog. (Minus the neediness.... my dog is really needy.) I have been working to put this principle into practice. Sometimes I am fairly good at it.... sometimes like my dog though, I get worried and will do the emotional equivalent of eating a pair of shoes when I suffer from seperation anxiety....

Being a human, rather than a dog, makes this hard though. I want something back for my love. I'm a capitalist at heart. If I love someone, I want their attention. Unlike my dog, I can "insist" on getting my investment out. But - thats not the same as love. That's a quid pro quo. I love you IF you feed me, play with me, scratch behind my ears. My dog would NEVER do this. She loves me truely, even if I am being the worlds biggest bitch, if I forget to feed her, if I get too busy for long walks. She might be unhappy - she might get a little nuerotic on me - but she would never threaten to withdraw her LOVE if she doesn't get her way.

I have always tried to live my life - and to teach those in my care - one important principle: An honorable person does the right thing without fear of punishment or hope of reward.

I think, maybe, that this maxim applies as well to love. If one chooses to love, commits to love, you must do it without fear of punishment or hope of reward. This requires bravery.... it is a fearsome way to live. Of course, this doesn't mean you let yourself be abused.... (my dog has no choice if I abuse her, of course...) So - if I love, and do my best to not put conditions on it.... to be ethically consistant with myself, I must love without an agenda - without worrying that I could be hurt, without hoping that it will end in the perfect dream.

Thats not my job. My job is to simply offer my love, to be happy to see my loved ones when they show up, to forgive instantly to the best of my ability - and to keep my heart and spirit open. I have taken - to the best of my ability - abandonment of those I love - off the table. (If I dont get my way I dont love you anymore....)

I am not perfect like my dog. If our god is an unforgiving god, I will never be perfect enough to obtain heaven. I hope and pray that god is like my dog; and I will stuggle to be like that image of god - the one who knows how imperfect I am.... and loves me any way. And I will try to mirror that kind of perfect love, however imperfectly I do it. Because in my heart, I think the world we live in is heaven or hell..... and it depends on how we dream it.

One Life

It could be that I have many lives to live. In my bleak understanding of physics and time, it is quite possible that I am simultaneously living many lives, all in the same moment - in many different dimensions and even historical periods. Of course, this is possible.

The problem is, I am only fully aware of the life I am living in my current understanding of NOW. And I only get to live this life - according to my current state of consciousness - NOW. There are no 'do overs' that I will ever be aware of - its not like a game where you can take your move back.

So - with only this one very precious life - how do I want it to be? What shall be its shape? Out of what shall I construct it?

On my magical oddessey to France, I went on a shamanic journey. A vision quest, so to speak. It came to me that my life is shaped by relationship, from the connectedness with the others in my life. It is these relationships that give my life meaning, validity, freedom and form. The people in my life provide the architecture and the intrinsic structure which allows me to dream the dreams I follow.

I am not alone. We are, none of us, alone. Or rather, the aloness we have is a perception, or a choice we make - but it is not really our natural condition.

Each person I touch or who touches me provides me with a mirror and informs me of who I am. Those relationships that have always made me suffer are those in which I can tell that the other person cannot see me - and my reflection in their eyes is broken - I am not real, I am only a figment of their imaginations.

I had that with Nick, (not so much anymore - he does see me now...) - I had that with my friend Ames, and I have that with 'the boy'.... but for the most part? People can see me.. I am not invisible or imaginary at all. Furthermore -- I love who I see reflected in the vision of my friends and lovers and pals. I like the shape of who I am, and what I am becomming.

This might be one of the first times I have ever realized such a thing. I LIKE myself, I like my life - and I am blessed by the connections I enjoy and the love others hold for me.

Furthermore, I had the opportunity to examine how I have constructed my life. Other than my very bad habit of trying to MAKE other people see me when they don't (which leads me to suffer greatly....) - my life is really a masterpiece. I'm not sure how I have achieved this, to be truthful --- I have a job that is good for me, which provides me with freedom, creativity, and where I am truely valued.

I have a life's work - a vocation and calling to which I have been faithful. And which , after years of struggle, finally seems to be beginning to take a shape and a form that will allow me to serve it fully.

I have a son, who is a joy to me. He loves me always, and I think I am a good mother (were I a bad mother, all the rest would be meaningless). We are a family - small, and a little broken.... but good. Still good. And my ex husband, though I am still trying to bring myself to full forgiveness - he finally, after years of struggle, see's me, loves me, and admires me. He has always supported me in my dreams, and for this, I am truely grateful.

I often put my attention on what is wrong, I take for granted what is right. This is - well - it is the very defination of living in a state of sin, I think.

I have travelled the world. I have eaten in the finest restaraunts. I have drunk gallons of champagne, and I have known many beautiful men (and a couple of stunning women as well.) I am surrounded, now, by bright and wonderful people.... and have been my whole adult life through. I have books, and poetry, and music in my life... not to mention some very neat technology. I have a closet full of nice clothes and beautiful shoes, and enough money to provide all the basic needs of our life

I am - at this moment, still young and strong - with a still sharp mind and a very good education.

I have friends and partners, who love me truely - who care for me, trust me, and need me just as much as I need them. I have people who do take care of me, who are concerned when I am sick and sad, alone and lonely - in trouble - and who rejoice with me when I am joyful and succeed.

I am rich beyond imagining.

So, the future of this one life? To begin of course, I want more of the same! More travel, champagnem food, friends, work, sex, adventure. I want to see my boy grow tall and strong. I want a lifetime, filled with perfect moments, glorious sunsets, sex on the beach, and work which fills my soul.

And maybe, someday a someone to share this life with, and build a new dream of the future with.... a friend to adventure with. I want to reach the stars so at the end of this life I can say "Good Job, Well Done... you made a life, and it was good"